Wizards Cast Their Typical Spell, Remember They Are Trash At The Worst Possible Time

Along with the New York Knicks, Charlotte Hornets, Sacramento Kings (who have apparently revealed themselves to be frauds) and, until very recently, the Phoenix Suns (who very well may still be frauds but are enjoying a good run right now), the Washington Wizards are, historically speaking, an NBA team only ostensibly and have a history of producing the sort of spectacular assclownery typically reserved for Stefon’s nightclubs, the bum-rush for Popeyes chicken sandwiches and Congress, all of which can be set to the Benny Hill theme music without much disruption[1].

On Wednesday night against the Houston Rockets, however, the Wizards reached a new low, one to which only one other team in NBA history can stake a claim: they managed to score 158 damn points in regulation in a one-point loss. Their forebears? The 1991 Denver Nuggets, who lost 162-158 to the Golden State Warriors on November 2, 1990. That team won 20 games. When you’re hanging with the post-ABA, pre-Melo Nuggets, you know you’re in great company!

Here is where I mention the first obvious point: to score 158 points in 48 minutes is an astronomical feat by any standard, as it equates to about 3.3 points per minute – an offensive rating of about 144.1 points per 100 possessions, or about 1.4 points per possession. Last year, the league-leading Golden State Warriors, who have since been flushed down the terlet, managed an offensive rating of 116.6 points per 100 possessions. That’s an absolutely absurd difference!

Under pretty much any other circumstances, the Wiz would’ve won that game handily, in which case we’d be talking about the imminent failures of James Harden and Russell Westbrook as a back court today. But no! The Rockets managed an ever-so-slightly better 159 points, with Harden alone accounting for 59 of those via his various tricks and genius, if exploitative of currently-flawed NBA rules, playmaking.

Behind Harden, Westbrook vomited out his usual, enraged triple-double, although it is cool that he is not taking as many shots or threes as in years past. Clint Capela had 21, someone named Danuel House put up 16 and Eric Gordon had 15 off the bench.

Here is where I mention the second obvious point: man, free Bradley Beal. Get that guy out of the nation’s capital as quickly as possible. He went as toe-to-toe with Harden as one can manage to expect in his wildest dreams in 2019, going for 46-8-3 while shooting 7-12 from distance. Behind him, Washington’s leading scorers were Rui Hachimura (23 points – cool!) and Davis Bertans (21 – huh?). Even tiny hero Isaiah Thomas pitched in 17 and 10 off the bench.

By nature, wizards are magical. If these Washington Wizards possess any magic, however, it’s a tendency to conjure up spells of blind ineptitude accompanied by untimely stretches of brilliance. The Wizards are not the best basketball team in their own city – what up, Mystics – or even the most recent team to have scored a point in their respective sport. Like many things in and around Washington, they should be banned. This blog is over!

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[1] That seminal pop-polka hit is called “Yakety Sax” by Boots Randolph, by the way