It is 6:21am on Sunday and as I type this sentence and I have not yet slept. This is due to many problems I have; my tendency to procrastinate has led me here, along with my belief that excuses to my readers in any way helps justify the things I’m writing. But we’re here now. Maybe there’s some sort of odd clairvoyance that a man on the edge of consciousness can tap into. We’ll find out. What follows are my sleepy thoughts unfiltered: I will not use backspace to fix any spelling/syntax error from now on, as in the process of writing these three sentences I have yet to get through four consecutive words without a misplaced keystroke. This is the price you pay for sleepy clarity.
Here’s goes nothing.
I alaready missed the Thursday game which is a bummer. Though I have made it a rule to never bet Thrrsday games for this colunmn, Saints with the points was an obvous lock. The Falcons were set up to fail. They are not a real 5-0 team (well, cerntainsly not anymore). But hey, the pats tis the past. THis is the sleepy present. These games rea the sleepey future. On to the Week 6 SuperContest lines. Home teams get the asterisk.
Totally doable. This isn’t hadr at all. My brain functions perfectly. I can see clearly not the rain is gone. It is 631am and I am ready tp become a progphet to the gods of gambling. Inspire with me with your wisdom oh great ones. Bless me with your truth tso that I may see the reality so soon to be known to all just a bit early so I can make some fake money off it and impress myself with this document serving as proof to humanity that at one point I did something right.
Or, ay know, just don’t make me go 0-5. Whichever works for you sleepssy ogds. Sleepy gods. Jeez, sorry, meant no disrespect. Just sort of committing to the bit even if my missplellings mean disappointeing a fake god that my mind has create d in the last twelve minites . How did we get here? How did any of us get here? why don’t I sleep normal hours wait never mind time isn’t rea;.
This is an allusion. What? I just realised the Raiders are on bye this week and got kinda sad. Here are picks.
Patriots (-7.5) over Colts*
It’s deflategate rematch 3015 eith returning superstars Tom Brady and the New England Patriots. There is almost too much rnarrantive buitl into this game that has already been extracted by sprtswriters who are less creative and willing to commit to sillly bits but mroe responsible with their time than I. These are people that need to have a stopry by deadline or else they don’t get their check, not my free reign wiheeling dealing scenarion here. (rory i promis to be better next week).
But anyawasys my points is that every preview of this game brings us the fact that deflategate happened and opeople always pose that the Patriots may be in EffYou mode too doubly prove that they don’t kneed know stinking deflators. in most cases when a narrative becomes this dominatn I try to stay waway. But the Patriots are different. They kill teams. And when they are mad they kill teams harder and the Patriots are mad.They’re real mad. Belichick is superfrowning. This line has already moved to 10 in Vegas so I’m catching an extra 2.5 thanks to the line being a little old.
Always fun to back good teams against bad teams.
Seahawks* (-7) over Panthers
Panthers gtfo here with your 4-0 record like plaese who do you think you are because I think you’re garbgae in the empropres new clothers. Let’s see the four teams that the Panters have beatne to reach their undefeated wuarter of a season: Jacksonville, Houston, Tampa, and New Orleans. Not really a list of world beaters. And now they are going into Seattle, who despite being demonstratively crappier than they were last year, are destill reigning NFC Champions and owners of the greatest hoome field advantage the NFL has seen in the past three years probably.
The Panthers are gonna get caught with their pants down. I would bet their team total under as well hold on let me check what the number is…………………..oh it’s only 17 that’s pretty low eh but whatever still take it the Pantehrs aren’t doing crap tomorrow the sleey gods have spoken.
go reussell wilson go.
Vikings* (-4) over Chiefs
Now that Jamaal Charles is down the only two Chiefs I can name off the top of my sleepy head are Alex Smith and Traivis Kelce. Beyond that it gets blurry. I think Erick Berry is still on the team? And don’t they have the Eagles good receiver from last year yeah they totally have him and his name isJeremy Maclin. Ha! They also have Jason Avant don’t they. Andy Reid knows what he likes and what he liskes is consistency in his wide receiver core and bad clock management decisions.
The Vikings are kinda good. In their two home games this far this season they are 2-0 and AP has cleared 125 yards rushing in both. I don’t know how the Chiefs will move the ball and AP + touchdown Teddy is aenough talent to make me want to back Minnesota.
Browns* (+4.5) over Broncos
josh mckown is a legend. so’s peyton manning but in a different way. josh mccown is the type of legend i’m into now.
DOn’t sleep on the Browns.
Eagles* (-4.5) over Giants
This line is way off. I thought this game would be a pick. What in sleepy christs name has the Eagles done this year to seem like they should be favored by four points over anyone, let alone division rivals who are seven points and three minutes of competent coaching away from a 5-0 start to the season? The Eagles should not be favored this much nope no way what a silly number.
But logic doesn’t matter. You know why?
MIDNIGHT BLACKS FOR MONDAY NIGHT LEDDSSS GOOOOOO.
These rae the best jerseys a phladelphia franchsih has to offer and we will enjoy them all the way to victory.
Chance the Gambler: Week 5
is noow 6:59am so i’m going easy. shout out to you random number generator online.
24, 9, 6, 22, 8
if you don’t want to bleieve me that’s fine you just don’t know me at all. Those numbers translate to:
Niners* (+2.5) over Ravens
Texans PK over Jaguars*
Bills* (+3.5) over Bengals
Chargers (+10.5) over Packers*
Chiefs (+4) over Vikings*
It’s 704am. I’m going to sleep for two hours, wake up, add pictures to this, apologize to Rorry again, and then maybe hit publish. After that I’m going to sleep a little more. After that I am going to wake up and watch football and eat wings. The sleepy gods have spoken.
My Picks Last Week: 3-2 /// My Picks Overall: 10-15
Chance Picks Last Week: 3-2 /// Chance Picks Overall: 12-13