TV Party: Week 6

 

Welcome to TV Party, a weekly segment where we preview ten of the week’s most exciting match-ups in college football so you know when to grab some beer and ignore the outside world.

This week: all of the prior weeks seem like slimy, flimsy hors d’oeuvres compared to the Guy Fieri flavor-blasted, honkin’ serving of football in week 6 which is piled high on a bed of potato munchlings and served for the first time ever LIVE IN OXFORD, MISSISSIPPI. Put your turkey leg eatin’ pants on – you’re gonna be gettin’ the meat sweats after you get yourself a hearty helpin’ of footbaw. 

GAME 1: HEY, IT’S ME, GUY FIERI. AND I’M GONNA SHOW YOU AROUND SATURDAY’S GOOD EATS. FIRRRRST – ARIZONA GREEN CHILE SAUCE POURED OVER A HEAPIN’ PORTION OF DUCK MEAT WRAPPED IN A KILLER FOIE GRAS WRAP

Arizona has played in some of the most down to the wire games this season. First, there was the thrilling, loud and Monster Jam-like excitement of the duel with the UTSA Roadrunners in the Alamodome. The next was a Wildcat pointsplosion in the fourth quarter that ended on an exclamation mark of a catch by WR Austin Hill to end premature Cal sports apparel discounts. Arizona will visit Oregon for a late Thursday night game that could prove to be trouble for the second best squad in the nation. The Ducks are in a look ahead spot with UCLA on the docket next week and RichRod’s Wildcats have become something of a stray cat in that it may just want to be left alone or it will find a way into your home, make you feed it, nurture it and turn into the worst animal rescue story your group of friends will have to hear.

Kickoff begins at 10:30 on ESPN.

GAME 2: TEXAS STYLE BARBECUED BRISKET SERVED WITH A COWBELL DIPPED IN A KETCHUP-STYLE SAUCE IN BETWEEN TWO CHOICE HUDDLE HOUSE EGGS

Starkville – the home of incessant cowbells. You’ve seen this place before. You know of it’s signature annoyance. You thought you could go a whole year without having a game worth watching. So did we. Mississippi State is currently sitting pretty at 12 in the AP rankings and will play host to No. 6 Texas A&M. This is the Bulldogs’ second hosting gig with the Aggies; the first being riddled with #hashtags, adidas’ alternate uniform marketing opportunity, and a game without much on the line. It was also before Johnny Manziel became ubiquitous as the one and only Jonathan Football in his Earth shattering performance against Alabama. 2014 brings with it a mountain of pressure as it represents another test within the SEC West for two sides who would be staring at a 2-0 start in this killing floor of a division.

Coverage begins at 12:00 PM on ESPN.

 

GAME 3: A BAMA -OLE MISS TAILGATE IS NOT COMPLETE WITHOUT MONDO DREAMLAND RIBS FROM TUSCALOOSA PAIRED WITH AN OUT-OF-BOUNDS MISSISSIPPI STYLE SAUCE MADE BY MY MAIN MAN, EVAN WILLIAMS

The anchor of Week 6 is this gargantuan match-up between Alabama and Ole Miss. It’s the biggest game that either team will have played this season and should provide a true test of each one’s strengths. The Crimson Tide boast a dynamic offense that can beat you on the ground with Derrick Henry as well as pants you by throwing the deep ball to Amari Cooper. Ole Miss has a gnarly defense that is characterized by the Nkemdiche brothers, Cody Prewitt and the number three, which stands for how they rank in the country in points against. With College Gameday being hosted in one of the most legendary tailgating spots in all of America for the first time in 28 years, this is must-watch television and every bit the marquee match that the numbers next to each team indicates.

The game begins at 3:30 from Vaught-Hemmingway Stadium on CBS.

GAME 4: YOU KNOW A LOT OF PEOPLE HATE CHAIN RESTAURANTS BUT NOT ME, GUY FIERI. THAT’S WHY I ALWAYS MAKE A PIT STOP HERE – AT WHATABURGER. IT REALLY VIOLATES MY SHOT CLOCK

The Oklahoma Sooners, at this point in the season, look like one of the most complete teams in America with one of the easiest routes to get to the Playoff. OU handled a West Virginia team that is one of the best offensive teams – the same Mountaineer team that gave the Tide it’s first look at the signature Lane Kiffin look of near defeat. It’s pulverized lesser fare and now it’s staring at the biggest defensive test it will face all season in TCU. The Horned Frogs are currently holding opposing teams to an average of 7 points per game combined with an offense that, while not the best, is markedly improved from last season’s sputtering jalopy. A loss for the Sooners here means a treacherous battle up Mt. Everest in terms of getting Playoff committee votes with a schedule that rounds out with Texas Tech, Kansas and Oklahoma State. Big Game Bob Beware.

Kickoff beings at 3:30 PM on FOX.

GAME 5: GREASY FOOD TRUCK TACOS PILED UP WITH STEER BUTT MEAT MADE BY A GUY NAMED TED. IT MAY NOT BE THE HEALTHIEST GO TO IN AUSTIN BUT IT WORKS FOR ME, GUY FIERI

How interesting of a crossroads are we at in college football that Baylor is currently in the AP Top 10 and Texas isn’t even a whiff away from smelling the bottom of the Top 25 poll? It seems like a lifetime ago that the Longhorns beating the Bears was a foregone conclusion. Even having Baylor on the schedule seemed like an obligation necessitated by contracts and conference alignment. Now, Art Briles has crafted a kingdom whose crown jewel of McLane Stadium is the manifestation of blowing up the static power structure of the Big 12. Bryce Petty is leading an offense that is the best in the nation in scoring against a dysfunctional Texas defense. However, the Bears showed some lack of focus in Iowa State racking up ten penalties. The Longhorns could take advantage of this but since this is Texas in 2014, the Longhorns have just as great of an opportunity of exploiting those mistakes as the Cyclones.

For a case study in what happens when Mack Brown is given an allowance for just house sitting, tune in at 3:30 on ABC.

GAME 6: TOP THINGS OFF WITH A NICE ROOT BEER FLOAT SPIKED WITH CUSTARD, ROOT BEER, BEER BEER (BUD LIGHT LIME, OF COURSE), AND SOME GHOST PEPPERS FOR FLAVOR

Stanford heads to South Bend for the perennial pissing match between New Money and Old. Between people who prefer root beer pop and a fan base who enjoys frighteningly festooned trees. The rivalry is most notable in recent years for a controversial call that helped push the Fighting Irish towards a slaughter in Miami. The Cardinal exacted revenge last year and this year, Notre Dame aims to retain their status as number 9. Everett Golson & Co. have yet to contend with any real threats and the game with Stanford gets the ball rolling on their top tier competition. It’s hard to tell who comes out of this one. Especially when Stanford lost to a team that was blasted by Boston College Eagles.

The shouting match about liquid assets begins at 3:30 on NBC.

GAME 7: ANOTHER ROUND, YOU SAY? SURE, SAYS ME, GUY FIERI. HOW ABOUT AN ORANGE DREAMSICLE FLOAT WITH FOUR SCOOPS OF MAYONNAISE, FANTA, CUSTARD FOR FLAVOR AND EASTERN CAROLINA PULLED PORK FOR TASTE

This week’s match of unranked opponents pits 3-1 NC State against the 2-2 Clemson Tigers. Desperation does not begin to describe Clemson’s situation in the ACC. It doesn’t look any better when the key to containing the Wolfpack is trying to take down a human who perspires WD-40. A loss for Clemson here would be one of the worst starts for Dabo Swinney with games against Louisville, a feisty Boston College, and a, dare I say it, competitive Georgia Tech team still on the schedule. The loss to Florida State was a steep loss in the hope for a division title; a loss to NC State would all but kill it.

The Raiders of the Lost Atlantic starts at 3:30 on ESPN U.

GAME 8: AND FOR DESSERT? HOW ABOUT A POUND OF SUPERMAN ICE CREAM TOPPED OFF WITH GRASS, THE AROMA OF BURNING BARNWOOD AND WHIPPED CREAM THAT’S BEEN TOSSED AROUND IN A PAINT MIXER. OH, AND DON’T FORGET THE CORN DOG SPOON

The LSU-Auburn rivalry has played host to some pretty weird events. 1988’s meet was marked by a crowd eruption that was the result of a final touchdown from LSU’s Tommy Hodson. The crowd noise registered as an earthquake on the seismograph at Louisiana State’s Howell-Russell Geoscience Complex. In 1996, a house caught fire near the Auburn Field House as fans continued to watch the game as if it were a High School Battle of the Bands complete with a school sanctioned bonfire. Improbable and wild doesn’t even begin to describe this rivalry.

This year, Auburn is attempting to hold onto the gates of the Playoff Manor as LSU is tasked with playing the role of rival cat burglar to remove and replace the Tigers of the Plains.

Scents of corn dogs and burning barn wood begins at 7 on ESPN.

GAME 9: AH, CAL-E-FORNA. MY HOME! WHICH IS WHY IM MAKING AVOCADO BROWNIES TOPPED WITH SOME KILLER CALIFORNIA CHEESE

Arizona State is on the road at the Los Angeles Coliseum to play a USC team that is as inconsistent as the ice cream machine at your local McDonald’s. The Sun Devils are without Taylor Kelly once more and Mike Bercovici is tapped for his second start. With the pressures of a high stakes game off, Bercovici could be a threat as seen in Tempe against UCLA. Fans just have to hope that the second string starter limits the mistakes rather than gift the ball in recycled cardboard.

Contest begins at 7:30 on FOX.

GAME 10: THE FOLKS ‘ROUND HERE REALLY KNOW HOW TO DO A LATE NIGHT SNACK. A PLATE OF THE BEST CORN, TOPPED WITH SOME KINDA MEAT, A WHOLE UNCOOKED POTATO, AND CHOICE CUTS FROM AMERICA’S BREAD BASKET. AND THERE YOU HAVE IT, FOLKS! THAT MY FRIENDS, IS HOW ME, GUY FIERI, DOES SATURDAYS.

Nebraska travels to East Lansing for the first match-up between two Big Ten teams since irrigation became mechanized. It’s a cross-divisional rivalry that is the way too early, de facto Big Ten Championship. The Cornhuskers are a decent team but, once again, they almost lost to McNeese State. The Spartans seem like the strongest team since they have bowled over every team they faced except for the second best team in the country. If you’re nostalgic for Heartland Rock, this game will resuscitate those memories.

John ‘Cougar’ Mellencamp plays before kickoff at 8 on ABC.