The Hypothetical SuperContest – Week 9

This is getting ugly.

I mean, things have been worse, but to give you an idea of how I feel about my picks recently, I google image searched “ashamed” to find this picture to lead off the column.

Last week as I attempted to bring my hypothetical picks back to hypothetical glory, I instead dug myself deeper into the pits of poor pickdom. Has my time in London finally caught up with me? Is my removal from American culture seeping through? Would I be better serving the world if I started hypothetically picking the Premiere League?

No.

This is just a bad stretch. All gamblers go through them, and I must pass this God-given test to prove my hypothetical worthiness.

Gimmick free this week, straight to the picks. Home teams get the asterisk.

We’re going to keep it simple this week. Nothing crazy. Nothing unexpected. Just trusting my gut, following my heart, and sticking to what has worked so far this season. Also, probably picking RUSSELL WILSON.

Chiefs (-3) over Bills*

The Chiefs are still undefeated right? And they still haven’t had an opponent score more than 17 points on them in a game? And this is the Bills they are playing? I know that the Bills haven’t really been “the Bills” this year, but they are still the Bills. What’s that you say? Thad Lewis is out, meaning the best defense in the league will be up against the likes of Jeff Tuel and Matt Flynn at quarterback?

If the idea of this column is “keeping it simple,” I really don’t know where to start but here.

Eagles (+2.5) over Raiders*

Bears (+10.5) over Packers*

I’m packaging these picks together because my logic behind them is the same. Remember all the way back in Week 2 when I went against the “Expert Picks” of CBSSports? You know, because they were awful?

If you don’t, here’s the important information – CBS has experts pick the games against the spread, and none of their experts are very good. Out of eight experts, only one has a record above .500 so far, while five are at least ten games below getting half their picks right. These experts also have a tendency to unanimously agree on a game, with that pick almost always being incorrect. This theory was most recently proven Thursday night, when the experts all incorrectly chose the Bengals to cover -2.5.

Since my reasoning on games has been a bit off recently, I decided I would again rely on the collective ineptitude of CBS, and I was blessed with this:

I liked both the Eagles and the Bears before seeing this. I only have more confidence now. Related: I really dislike CBS.

Saints (-6) over Jets*

So every week I pick the Seahawks to cover because I love RUSSELL HUSTLE BUSTLE WILSON.

I think I’m going to start picking against Rex Ryan every week because of the hate in my heart. At least until they cover, at which point I will hopefully have found a better feel for the season. In the meantime, here is your dumb Rex Ryan pic of the week.

YEAH SCREW YOU TOO.

Seahawks* (-16) over Buccaneers

This is the simplest decision I make every week.

Happy Sundays.

Last Week: 1-4

Overall: 18-22