You might have had a recording from two years ago of you cussing leak on the Internet, Bo Pelini, but that tape is not nearly as offensive as the slate of games scheduled on Saturday. I mean, come on. Georgia – North Texas? Idaho State – Washington? Hell, College Gameday kicks off from North Dakota State! Yeah, we’re in for a rough one. Don’t believe me? Let’s run down the highlighted games for each time slot:
Florida A&M at No. 4 Ohio State
3:30 (THE EXCEPTION…MAYBE)
Tennessee at No. 19 Florida
No. 23 Arizona State at No. 5 Stanford
No. 15 Michigan at Connecticut
If you have a project that a Home Depot commercial has convinced you that you have to get done, go ahead and do it. Start moving, America! Because this week fucking sucks.
No. 3 Clemson at North Carolina State: The Thursday night ACC match-up is one where great expectations will meet a program who has become accustomed to blowing up those great expectations. In the past two years, North Carolina State has upset both Clemson (2011) and Florida State (2012) when both teams were in the top ten. This year, Clemson’s Shock the World Tour has been rolling along just fine since their win over Georgia. The production has become bigger, the lights brighter and the pyrotechnics are amazing, but all it takes is one stagehand dropping a set rope to have this whole thing come crashing down. I think one of the stage towers won’t come crashing down, however, until the tour hits Maryland. SHOCK THE WORLD, Y’ALL.
Florida A&M at No. 4 Ohio State: The Rattlers head into The ‘Shoe with no real threat to the Buckeyes’ four spot. Kenny Guiton has proven himself wonderful, and I hope that the coaching staff takes this opportunity to keep Braxton on the bench for the majority of the game. Buckeyes win handily.
Florida International at No. 7 Louisville: Whoooooo boy – Florida International is bad. Relative to Louisville, they are extremely terrible. Last week, FIU lost to Bethune-Cookman 34-13. They have only scored four touchdowns through three games. Now, consider the fact that they are playing at Papa John’s arena of “Better Ingredients, Better Footbawwww,” and you start to feel bad for the Golden Panthers. It’s going to be a rough one.
North Texas at No. 9 Georgia: The North Texas Mean Green (!) come into Sanford Stadium to take on a Bulldog team who is looking for two bye weeks. Georgia sat out last week, so they could rest and recover from all that Evil Mark Richt offensive scheming. Nice Mark Richt will be out in force to ensure that North Texas leaves Georgia with a basket of peaches and a timely Bible verse.
Idaho State at No. 17 Washington: Teeth Price and a dude named Bishop all day, my man.
Maine at No. 18 Northwestern: This is the Wildcats’ first FCS team on the schedule for the season after having to face three FBS teams in Cal, Syracuse and Western Michigan. It’s been a crazy three weeks for the Wildcats, as they have been trying to maintain momentum before running into a Big Ten schedule, with its true test coming in the form of Ohio State next weekend. They are facing a 3-0 Maine team who looks to continue their record though that might be a ridiculous fantasy for the Black Bears at this point, as Northwestern has laid waste to each lesser opponent it has faced. I’m taking the Wildcats.
Tennessee at No. 19 Florida: Verne, Gary, and a whole heaping of miserable offense. Danielson is most likely going to try and figure out why Florida’s offense is so terrible while Lundquist gasps, “oh my” at every single misdirection of Jeff Driskel’s forward passes. Do I think Tennessee has a chance in this game? Yes! Why? Because Florida’s offense has been known to shoot themselves in the foot. I think the Vols will get lucky with a few TDs here and there but the Gator D is too dominating up front for it to last long. It will be an ugly game that is best encapsulated by this song.
Michigan State at No. 22 Notre Dame: Another rivalry game that is being lost due to Notre Dame’s greed! Just kidding. It’s being thrown away because even Notre Dame fans think that Mark Dantonio has the personality of a public access show. He’s an alright, guy. Just needs something exciting. Like a backup quarterback. Who scored four touchdowns in a game against Youngstown State that highlighted the fact that the Spartans DO have SOME offensive competency. I’m just going to go ahead and say that maybe Michigan State is better than I originally thought and after what I saw from Notre Dame, SPARTY ON!
Purdue at No. 24 Wisconsin: Poor Wisconsin – they lost a game to Todd Graham by way of people running around in fits of calamity. They will have a test when Purdue comes to town as the Boilermakers have shown some signs of life when they played Notre Dame last week. But I think Wisconsin should be able redeem themselves with a conference win especially since they are playing in Madison. I’m going with the Badgers by four.
Louisiana-Monroe at No. 20 Baylor: Louisiana Funroe! Baylor! Two relatively fun, exciting football programs for two entirely different reasons. The Warhawks’ success against Arkansas last year as well as a giving a down Auburn team a run for its money provided many laughs as well as a spotlight on an interesting conference. This year, though, the Warhawks do not have the same giant killer appeal. They didn’t really make a dent against Oklahoma, and I doubt they will do the same against a very fast Baylor team. And guess what?! It’s nationally televised! Make sure you get your wind suit on for this one as the Bears fly by at top speed.
Bethune-Cookman at No. 8 Florida State: The players at Bethune-Cookman will have the pleasure of meeting Jameis Winston as well as facing defeat at his hands. Sorry, guys.
Colorado State at No. 1 Alabama: The Tide rolls in a game that makes us wish Nick Saban would call something other than off-tackle run from T.J. Yeldon.
No. 23 Arizona State at No. 5 Stanford: The one and only match-up between two top-25 teams this weekend. This one could provide some scares for Stanford at times but I really don’t expect the Sun Devils to come out on top. Stanford, like Alabama, plays a very methodical that relies on ball control. The Cardinal will eat up enough clock and pound the football at Arizona State. Will Sutton was essentially a non-factor against Wisconsin, another pound it out offense, and Stanford is a better team from top to bottom than the Badgers. I think the Cardinal wins this by seven.
SMU at No. 10 Texas A&M: SMU lost a game against Texas Tech who started a walk-on freshman quarterback by 18 points. They are coming into the Hate Barn (Kyle Field’s nickname of choice) against an angry A&M team that lost a close to the top team in the country. I expect A LOT of Johnny Manziel to Mike Evans touchdowns with all the flourishes of JFF. YESSIR, MR. SUMLIN!
Savannah State at No. 16 Miami: Everyone get excited! The U is playing for the first time in years as a nationally relevant team! Now everyone get depressed because it is playing America’s punching bag – Savannah State!
Texas State at No. 25 Texas Tech: Texas State gets to go to Lubbock.
Bat Country Fox Country! They run into not one, but two, freshman quarterbacks. A coach with ever present sunglasses, even in the middle of the night. And Zorro-like characters for the rest of the evening. This is enough to make a team dizzy. It’s going to be rough Texas State.
Auburn at No. 6 LSU: This rivalry gets kinda weird. One year there was an earthquake, I believe. Another year, a crazy tailgater on the Plains (probably a visiting LSU fan) burnt down the old Auburn Sports Arena. Last year, the highly ranked Bayou Bengals almost lost by two points to Auburn. However, LSU is drastically more competent on offense than they were last year, and its defense is going to shut down any Gus Malzahn trickeration he has up his sleeve.
No. 15 Michigan at Connecticut: Let us not forget that Towson kicked the Huskies in the teeth. Towson! But then again, Michigan almost dropped the ball against Akron so let us not forget that either ye men of academic fortitude. But a Michigan man knows how to travel, and if it’s to the filth of the tri-state area, that is what one must do. Onward for the surroundings are too troubling to stick around without a victory, and Michigan hails to the victors once more.
New Mexico State at No. 13 UCLA: I think the most intriguing challenge is how the athletic department is going to try and encourage the student body to attend this game. I believe last year it had a tank top theme or something for the Nebraska game. Who knows what Chianti Dan is going to cook up?!