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College Football

TV Party 2015: Week 7

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October 15, 2015
College Football
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Welcome to TV Party, a weekly segment where we preview ten of the week’s most exciting match-ups in college football so you know when to grab some beer and ignore the outside world. 

This week: The week started off with a few stories. You might have heard them. Maybe not. They range from sad and tragic to apathetic and dumbfounding. It informs some of this week’s slate of games, a week that offers its fair share of tests for more than a handful of undefeated teams. So come, gather ’round, have yerself a “Col’ Beer.”

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Cleaning Up the Mess 2015: Week 6

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October 12, 2015
College Football
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(Via Carlos Osirio/AP Photo)

Cleaning Up the Mess is here to make sense of what just happened at your weekend-long television party. Who put Goldfish in the blender? And why is the thermostat on 42?

This week: Jim Harbaugh was invited over to play Pictionary and still cannot stop yammering about how unfair it was that you skirted the rules even though he won. Charlie Strong stopped by, smiled, tipped his brand-new hat and said, “Good day” before dropping off Oklahoma, who had waaaaaaaayyyyyy too much to drink. Utah didn’t return anyone’s texts until later in the evening and then showed up out of nowhere only to sink into the couch and chuckle maniacally at the wall.   

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TV Party 2015: Week 6

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October 8, 2015
College Football
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Welcome to TV Party, a weekly segment where we preview ten of the week’s most exciting match-ups in college football so you know when to grab some beer and ignore the outside world. 

This week: We are watching some games strictly for the schadenfreude. Some of these things have no real merit beyond that. Also, we are going to strap you down and make you watch Michigan-Northwestern via A Clockwork Orange because your soul needs to be cleansed in the purity of Midwestern passive aggression.

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Irish, Goodbye

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October 6, 2015
College Football, Sports
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On Saturday night, for the first time since 1977, when Joe Montana led the soon-to-be national champion Fighting Irish to a 21-17 victory, Notre Dame visited Clemson in Death Valley. Because of Hurricane Joaquin, South Carolina Governor (and Clemson alum) Nikki Haley warned fans to avoid attending the game unless absolutely necessary. With playoff hopes in the balance for both teams, a muddy slugfest was all but inevitable. For all intents and purposes, this was to be the biggest college football game of the season thus far.

They weren’t going to let a little bit of rain stop them from enjoying themselves. Neither was I.

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Cleaning Up the Mess 2015: Week 5

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October 5, 2015
College Football
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(Via Gary McCullough/AP)

Cleaning Up the Mess is here to make sense of what just happened at your weekend-long television party. Who put Goldfish in the blender? And why is the thermostat on 42?

This week: Gary Patterson wanted to let Texas know that they’ve made better chicken salad with just salt, pepper and chopped tofurkey. Ohio State showed up to the party and nearly dropped that shiny, highfalutin ice sculpture they made. Alabama brought over some cake with Georgia’s name on it only to shove it in their faces moments later. And, Al Golden wants to know why Map Quest gave him directions to Cincinnati. Everyone promptly asked Golden afterwards why he’s still using Map Quest. 

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TV Party 2015: Week 5

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September 30, 2015
College Football
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Welcome to TV Party, a weekly segment where we preview ten of the week’s most exciting match-ups in college football so you know when to grab some beer and ignore the outside world. 

This week: ROAD TRIP! We’re takin’ our Holler Smarts all the way from Appalachia to Norman, Oklahoma for a Big 12 shootout between the Mountaineers and the Sooners. Afterwards, we’re gonna weave our way through some golf courses to Athens, GA for a beautiful afternoon Between the Hedges where you’ll hear the delightful, shared song of the Alabama and Georgia fan bases, “Run the Dang Ball.” Then, we’ll turn the car around and head back towards Waco, Texas in order to watch a masked man attempt to escape from ravenous bears that have been fed nothing but Clive Owen’s liquid cocaine. We will then storm back towards South Carolina for Notre Dame-Clemson where Irish fans attempt to explain sacrilege to a dude wearing orange and purple candy striped overalls. 

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Cleaning Up the Mess 2015: Week 4

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September 28, 2015
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(Via Getty Images)

Cleaning Up the Mess is here to make sense of what just happened at your weekend-long television party. Who put Goldfish in the blender? And why is the thermostat on 42?

This week: Bret Bielema really does not care for that cheese dip that you made even though he unknowingly spilled it all over the front of his shirt. Cal shows up to the party with both brilliant Nobel prize thesis and a case of wine. Utah decided it would be funny to bring a cake just to smash it in Oregon’s face before walking off and saying, “O’Doyle Rules!” Also, Butch Jones’ maxillofacial surgery requires that you cut up his food before he eats so he doesn’t choke on it.

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TV Party 2015: Week 4

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September 23, 2015
College Football, Sports
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Welcome to TV Party, a weekly segment where we preview ten of the week’s most exciting match-ups in college football so you know when to grab some beer and ignore the outside world

This week: If last week was a corporate branded tailgate, this week is sinister in that the corporations have now rescinded their feast. So long, plentiful beer and wings! Hello, Notre Dame-UMASS! Get on up here, Southern vs. Georgia! Also, here’s South Carolina vs. UCF which is basically a chicken wing with the tiniest shred of meat hanging to it.

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Cleaning Up the Mess 2015: Week 3

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September 21, 2015
College Football
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(Via Marvin Gentry – USAToday Sports)

Cleaning Up the Mess is here to make sense of what just happened at your weekend-long television party. Who put Goldfish in the blender? And why is the thermostat on 42?

This week: Bret Bielema wonders why you chose that wallpaper before finding out that his car has been towed for parking on the wrong side of the street. Clemson traveled to Louisville without charging its phone and had to find its way back to the house without GPS while being completely intoxicated (somehow, they miraculously managed to show up unharmed). Nick Saban came over with his friend Lane Kiffin and you are really starting to wonder amid all the yelling why they are friends in the first place. 

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TV Party 2015: Week 3

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September 16, 2015
College Football
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Welcome to TV Party, a weekly segment where we preview ten of the week’s most exciting match-ups in college football so you know when to grab some beer and ignore the outside world.

This week: If last week was table scraps, this is a tailgate of ungodly proportions. We’re talking corporate-branded idea of what every single football tailgate is like. There’s many a chip-and-dip with wings, wings, and MORE WINGS. Four giant Vizio televisions in one room because this is how you should be living, AMERICA. An Alabama fan is there because, of course! Also, BEER! Lots and lots of BEER! We’re talking so much beer that Madison, Wisconsin can get alcohol poisoning. All of this grotesque bulk brought to you by ESPN, Zaxby’s, Coca-Cola, The Home Depot, Budweiser (though college students should be studying because it’s about PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY), and a local commercial about catheters.

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