The Cask of LeBrontillado
It is the latter half of the 2021-’22 NBA regular season, and the Los Angeles Lakers sit in eighth place in the Western Conference with a 28-29 record. Big man Anthony Davis, acknowledged to be a big without allowing himself to be referred to as a center, has missed twenty games, while LeBron James, the fulcrum upon which all Lakers-based activity must depend, has incurred an apparent return of the high ankle sprain which had once befallen him.
James has taken to imploring his teammates to work harder in his absence, which seemingly grows longer at his whims. On Instagram, his beseeching increasingly includes the term “brodie,” seemingly in the pejorative. Teammate Russell Westbrook notices.
The thousand injuries of Lebrunato I had borne as I best could, but when he ventured upon insult I vowed revenge. You, who so well know the nature of my soul, will not suppose, however, that gave utterance to a threat. At length I would be avenged; this was a point definitely, settled – but the very definitiveness with which it was resolved precluded the idea of risk. I must not only punish but punish with impunity.
A wrong is unredressed when retribution overtakes its redresser. It is equally unredressed when the avenger fails to make himself felt as such to him who has done the wrong. It must be understood that neither by word nor deed had I given Lebrunato cause to doubt my good will. I continued, as was my in, to smile in his face, and he did not perceive that my to smile now was at the thought of his immolation.
He had a weak point – this Lebrunato – although in other regards he was a man to be respected and even feared. He prided himself on his connoisseurship in wine. Few basketballers have the true virtuoso spirit. For the most part their enthusiasm is adopted to suit the time and opportunity, to practice imposture upon the Spanish and French millionaires. In reading and torcedorship, Lebrunato, like his countrymen, was a quack, but in the matter of old wines he was sincere. In this respect I did not differ from him materially; – I was skillful in absurd, unnecessary purchases myself, and bought largely whenever I could.
It was about dusk, one evening during the supreme madness of the carnival season, that I encountered my friend. He accosted me with excessive warmth, for he had been drinking much. The man wore motley. He had on a tight-fitting parti-striped dress, and his head was surmounted by a teal cap, his wait restricted by a tied sweater. I was so pleased to see him that I thought I should never have done wringing his hand. I said to him – “My dear Lebrunato, you are luckily met. How remarkably well you are looking to-day. But I have received a pipe of what passes for Adamtillado, and I have my doubts.”
“How?” said he. “Adamtillado, A pipe? Impossible! And in the middle of the carnival!” “I have my doubts,” I replied; “and I was silly enough to pay the full Adamtillado price without consulting you in the matter. You were not to be found, and I was fearful of losing a bargain.” “Adamtillado!” “I have my doubts.” “Adamtillado!” “And I must satisfy them.” “Adamtillado!”
“As you are engaged, I am on my way to Anthotesi. If anyone has a critical turn, it is he. He will tell me-” “Anthotesi cannot tell Adamtillado from Olympus.” “And yet some fools will have it that his taste is a match for your own. “Come, let us go.” “Whither?” “To your vaults.” “My friend, no; I will not impose upon your good nature. I perceive you have an engagement. Anthotesi– ” “I have no engagement; – come.” “My friend, no. It is not the engagement, but the severe high ankle sprain with which I perceive you are afflicted. The vaults are insufferably damp. They are encrusted with nitre, and mud; you may slip, further impairing yourself.” “Let us go, nevertheless. The cold and mud are merely nothing. Adamtillado! You have been imposed upon. And as for Anthotesi, he cannot distinguish Olympus from Adamtillado.” Thus speaking, Lebrunato possessed himself of my arm; and putting on a mask of black silk and drawing a roquelaire closely about my person, I suffered him to hurry me to my palazzo.
There were no attendants at home; they had absconded to make merry in honor of the time. I had told them that I should not return until the morning and had given them explicit orders not to stir from the house. These orders were sufficient, I well knew, to ensure their immediate disappearance, one and all, as soon as my back was turned. I took from their sconces two flambeaux, and giving one to Lebrunato, bowed him through several suites of rooms to the archway that led into the vaults. I passed down a long and winding staircase, requesting him to be cautious as he followed. We came at length to the foot of the descent and stood together upon the damp ground of the catacombs of the Montrussors. The gait of my friend was unsteady, and his hat swiveled atop his crown as he strode. “The pipe,” he said. “It is farther on,” said I; “but observe the white web-work which gleams from these cavern walls.” He turned towards me and looked into my eves with two filmy orbs that distilled the rheum of intoxication.
“Nitre?” he asked, at length. “Nitre,” I replied. “How long have you had that cough?” “Ugh! ugh! ugh! – ugh! ugh! ugh! – ugh! ugh! ugh! – ugh! ugh! ugh! – ugh! ugh! ugh!” My poor friend found it impossible to reply for many minutes. “It is nothing,” he said, at last. “Come,” I said, with decision, “we will go back; your health is precious. You are rich, respected, admired, beloved; you are happy, as once I was. You are a man to be missed. For me it is no matter. Love it or Hate it, This is me! We will go back; you will be ill, and I cannot be responsible. Besides, there is Anthotesi – ” “Enough,” he said; “the cough’s a mere nothing; it will not kill me. I shall not die of a cough.” “True – true,” I replied; “and, indeed, I had no intention of alarming you unnecessarily – but you should use all proper caution. A draught of this Medoc will defend us from the damps. Here I knocked off the neck of a bottle which I drew from a long row of its fellows that lay upon the mold.
“Drink,” I said, presenting him the wine. He raised it to his lips with a leer. He paused and nodded to me familiarly, while his bells jingled. “I drink,” he said, “to the buried that repose around us.” “And I to your long life.” He again took my arm, and we proceeded. “These vaults,” he said, “are extensive.” “The Montrussors,” I replied, “were a great and numerous family.” “I forget your arms.” “A huge cupcake d’or, in a field azure; the cake crushes a serpent rampant whose fangs are imbedded in the heel.” “And the motto?” “CUR NON. #CURNON” “Good!” he said. The wine sparkled in his eyes, and the hat wobbled. My own fancy grew warm with the Medoc. We had passed through long walls of piled Spurs, with Mavericks and Grizzlies intermingling, into the inmost recesses of the catacombs. I paused again, and this time I made bold to seize Lebrunato by an arm above the elbow.
“The nitre!” I said; “see, it increases. It hangs like moss upon the vaults. We are below the river’s bed. The drops of moisture trickle among the bones. Come, we will go back ere it is too late. Your ankle – ” “It is nothing,” he said; “let us go on. But first, another draught of the Medoc.” I broke and reached him a flagon of De Grave. He emptied it at a breath. His eyes flashed with a fierce light. He laughed and threw the bottle upwards with a gesticulation I did not understand. I looked at him in surprise. He repeated the movement – a grotesque one.
“You do not comprehend?” he said. “Not I,” I replied. “Then you are not of the brotherhood.” “How?” “You are not of the champions.” “Yes, yes,” I said; “yes, yes.” “You? Impossible! A champion?” “A champion,” I replied. “A sign,” he said, “a sign.” “It is this,” I answered, producing from beneath the folds of my roquelaire a medallion of gold. “You jest,” he exclaimed, recoiling a few paces. “But let us proceed to the Adamtillado.” “Be it so,” I said, replacing the tool beneath the cloak and again offering him my arm. He leaned upon it heavily. We continued our route in search of the Adamtillado. We passed through a range of low arches, descended, passed on, and descending again, arrived at a deep crypt, in which the foulness of the air caused our flambeaux rather to glow than flame.
At the most remote end of the crypt there appeared another less spacious. Its walls had been lined with trophies, piled to the vault overhead, in the fashion of the great catacombs of Springfield. Three sides of this interior crypt were still ornamented in this manner. From the fourth side the medallions had been thrown down, and lay promiscuously upon the earth, forming at one point a mound of some size. Within the wall thus exposed by the displacing of the gold, we perceived a still interior crypt or recess, in depth about four feet, in width three, in height six or seven. It seemed to have been constructed for no especial use within itself but formed merely the interval between two of the colossal supports of the roof of the catacombs and was backed by one of their circumscribing walls of solid granite.
It was in vain that Lebrunato, uplifting his dull torch, endeavored to pry into the depth of the recess. Its termination the feeble light did not enable us to see. “Proceed,” I said; “herein is the Adamtillado. As for Anthotesi – ” “He is an ignoramus,” interrupted my friend, as he stepped unsteadily forward, while I followed immediately at his heels. In niche, and finding an instant, he had reached the extremity of the niche, and finding his progress arrested by the rock, stood stupidly bewildered. A moment more and I had fettered him to the granite.
In its surface were two iron staples, distant from each other about two feet, horizontally. From one of these depended a short chain, from the other a padlock. Throwing the links about his waist, it was but the work of a few seconds to secure it. He was too much astounded to resist. Withdrawing the key, I stepped back from the recess. “Pass your hand,” I said, “over the wall; you cannot help feeling the nitre. Indeed, it is very damp. Once more let me implore you to return. No? Then I must positively leave you. But I must first render you all the little attentions in my power.” “The Adamtillado!” ejaculated my friend, not yet recovered from his astonishment. “True,” I replied; “the Adamtillado.”
As I said these words, I busied myself among the pile of medallions of which I have before spoken. Throwing them aside, I soon uncovered a quantity of building stone and mortar. With these materials and with the aid of my trowel, I began vigorously to wall up the entrance of the niche. I had scarcely laid the first tier of the masonry when I discovered that the intoxication of Lebrunato had in a great measure worn off. The earliest indication I had of this was a low moaning cry from the depth of the recess. It was not the cry of a drunken man. There was then a long and obstinate silence. I laid the second tier, and the third, and the fourth; and then I heard the furious vibrations of the chain. The noise lasted for several minutes, during which, that I might hearken to it with the more satisfaction, I ceased my labors and sat down upon the bones. When at last the clanking subsided, I resumed the trowel, and finished without interruption the fifth, the sixth, and the seventh tier. The wall was now nearly upon a level with my breast.
I again paused, and holding the flambeaux over the mason-work, threw a few feeble rays upon the figure within. A succession of loud and shrill screams, bursting suddenly from the throat of the chained form, seemed to thrust me violently back. For a brief moment I hesitated, I trembled. Unsheathing my rapier, I began to grope with it about the recess; but the thought of an instant reassured me. I placed my hand upon the solid fabric of the catacombs and felt satisfied. I reapproached the wall; I replied to the yells of him who clamored. I re-echoed, I aided, I surpassed them in volume and in strength. I did this, and the clamorer grew still.
It was now midnight, and my task was drawing to a close. I had completed the eighth, the ninth and the tenth tier. I had finished a portion of the last and the eleventh; there remained but a single stone to be fitted and plastered in. I struggled with its weight – NO PAIN NO GAIN; I placed it partially in its destined position. But now there came from out the niche a low laugh that erected the hairs upon my head. It was succeeded by a sad voice, which I had difficulty in recognizing as that of the noble Lebrunato.
The voice said– “Ha! ha! ha! – he! he! he! – a very good joke, indeed – an excellent jest. We will have many a rich laugh about it at the palazzo – he! he! he! – over our wine – he! he! he!” “The Adamtillado!” I said. “He! he! he! – he! he! he! – yes, the Adamtillado. But is it not getting late? Will not they be awaiting us at the palazzo, the Lady Lebrunato and the rest? Let us be gone.” “Yes,” I said, “let us be gone.” “For the love of God, Montrussor!” “Yes,” I said, “for the love of God!”
But to these words I hearkened in vain for a reply. I grew impatient. I called aloud – “Lebrunato!” No answer. I called again – “Lebrunato!” No answer still. I thrust a torch through the remaining aperture and let it fall within. There came forth in return only a flapping of the hat. My heart grew sick; it was the dampness of the catacombs that made it so. I hastened to make an end of my labor. I forced the last stone into its position; I plastered it up. Against the new masonry I re-erected the old rampart of bones. For the half of a century no mortal has disturbed them. #CURNON!
Portions of this piece were indiscriminately ripped wholesale from Edgar Allan Poe’s seminal work, “The Cask of Amontillado.” We hold no rights whatsoever to that.