The Hypothetical SuperContest 2016 — Week 5

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Hey. You know what today is? The 15th anniversary of The Strokes entering our lives and making it the world a better place? Yes, true. But also, less importantly, it’s the 25th anniversary of my entrance from the void into reality.

It’s my motherfucking birfday.

And it’s the best. For the first time since I’ve come of legal drinking age, my birthday falls on an NFL Sunday, meaning that rather than having the pressure of turning some random ass Wednesday into some magical day that defines my next year of existence through validation from friends, family, and alcohol, I can have a simple party. I’m going to my favorite bar and watching football.

If you are reading this, you are cordially invited to the Pine Box, literally whenever. Literally everyone’s invited. I picked two games for me and left the rest to my homies, who will hopefully be joining me for football and whiskey today.

Anyways, I’m late as usual, so let’s jump to the card. After a 3-2 stretch last week, I am back at a comfortably unimpressive 10-10 on the year. Let’s see if we can get that above .500. Here’s the SuperContest lines for Week 5. Home team gets the asterisk.

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Eagles (-3) over Lions*
Raiders* (-3.5) over Chargers

Oh yeah. We’re running it back. It’s my birthday! How am I not going to support the two teams that have already given me so much joy over this young season? That said, I concede that both of these games (especially Philly) feel like traps. Who have the Lions been good against this year? The Eagles are coming off a bye week and will be fresh, and from what I’m hearing Detroit’s defense is pretty injury-ridden right now.

What do you do on a bye week? You get your First bow buck! #ndlegendary

A post shared by Carson Wentz (@cj_wentz11) on

Also, apparently Carson Wentz spent the bye week buck-hunting with a bow and arrow in North Dakota, which, while I am pretty anti-hunting and killing in general, swoon.

Derek Carr. Carson Went. Amari Cooper. Connor Barwin. Michael Crabtree. Y’all make football worth it. Thanks for every thing, come through this Sunday.

Jets (+7) over Steelers*

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So I posted the lines on Facebook and asked people who were wishing me a happy birthday to pick games for us. I cannot say that I am thrilled with the results, but whatever, it’s not like my picks have been all that impressive of late. This one comes from Rory, one of our fearless leaders at TwH.

Packers* (-7.5) over Giants

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C’mon guys that’s so many points. Whatever. Go Pack go.

Dolphins* (-3.5) over Titans

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Sure, Dolphins it is. Why not. Titans are trash.


FiveThirtyHate

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The FiveThirtyEight system stayed winning but came back to reality a bit, going 3-2 after one of the hottest starts I’ve ever seen in gambling. Still, they currently sit at 16-4, and have another very impressive set of picks this week. If you’re looking to gamble smart, close your eyes and bet all five.

Browns* (+10.5) over Patriots
Lions* (+3) over Eagles
Dolphins* (-3.5) over Titans
Broncos* (-5.5) over Falcons
Panthers* (-6.5) over Buccaneers

There you have it. Thanks for being with me. Thanks to my moms my pops and my sister and my friends that have all helped to keep me alive up until this point. Fingers crossed I get to continue living for a very long and healthy life and gamble the whole time.

Happy Sundays.

Last week: 3-2

Overall: 10-10

FiveThirtyHate: 16-4

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