Since I have no truly vested interest in the 2014-15 NHL playoffs (yes, the Bruins will be golfing this year), as the quarterfinals started I made my bracket. But not just any bracket, no: I made the Stanley Cup of Hotness Bracket, which is based entirely on which of these sixteen NHL teams has the hottest captain (it’s right over here, if you’d like to read a poorly-formatted blog where I wax poetic about Prince Charming, a.k.a. Jonathan Toews). Upon learning of my bracket, TwH’s own Rory Masterson, a noted Rangers fan, insisted I make another bracket based on goalies, knowing there’s no way Henrik Lundqvist could lose in a bracket based on attractiveness.
I’ll indulge you, Rory, but you have to let me talk about this shit on the blog.
Carey Price vs. The Hamburgler
The Hamburgler advances. Even though Anderson got the start, as the series went on, had to go with the Hamburgler as I was secretly rooting for the Sens even while they were in the process of knocking the Bruins out because of him. Just such an awesome story. Also, I categorically refuse to say anything good about the Canadiens. So this was an easy one.
Ben Bishop vs. Jimmy Howard
This is a super tough matchup. Bishop and Howard are BOTH American, so I can’t even use patriotism as a tiebreaker here. Ben Bishop is like the next door neighbor who was a few years older that you had a huge crush on when you were in high school. But, I think I’m going to go Howard here. He’s just straight-up attractive. And Detroit has been solid in the playoffs for about a billion years. This is Bishop’s first year. Going for experience, here.
Hank Lundqvist vs. Marc-Andre Fleury
Not knocking MAF here, but I mean. Come on.
Braden Holtby vs. Jaroslav Halak
Holtby wins this one in a sweep, even though I hate him because he’s totally in the Bruins’ heads, and they haven’t scored on him in like 3 years. Whatever. But only if he’s non-bearded Holtby. Cleanshaven Holtby is way cuter than bearded Holtby.
Frederik Andersen vs. Ondrej Pavelec
I think I’m going Pavelec here. Because A) I was absolutely rooting for the Jets because what do people in Winnipeg have besides hockey and B) he just has this smoldering quality about him that I like. Although Andersen looks kind of like Ed Sheeran. So if he can write me a song like “Thinking Out Loud,” he’s in. Until then, it’s all Pavelec.
Eddie Lack vs. Jonas Hiller
I hate the Canucks, but this is Lack in a sweep. Sorry Jonas.
Jake Allen vs. Devan Dubnyk
Jake Allen is super cute. Allen all the way.
Pekka Rinne vs. Scott Darling
If you missed this series, you missed out on some INCREDIBLE goaltending. Seriously. Count all the overtimes and they played like 83 games. Although Darling was incredible, Rinne wins out here. Sorry Scott, but neckbeards/~lumbersexuals~ aren’t my thing, I guess.
Hamburglar vs. Howard
As much as I adore my dear Hamburglar, I just have to choose Howard here. Again with the experience, and damn he just looks good in goalie gear.
Lundqvist vs. Holtby
Okay, mostly cleanshaven Holtby is super cute, and his eyebrow game is on fleek. But again. It’s Lundqvist. They don’t call him King Henrik for nothing. He is King in net, and he is the King of wearing suits (seriously, dude looks fuckin’ good in a suit).
Pavelec vs. Lack
This is a really difficult matchup. Lack has the euro-boy band, Zefron teenage heartthrob thing going on for him, but I categorically hate everything about Vancouver. So Pavelec comes out on top here. #GoJetsGo (we are living in a pre-Anaheim sweep world right now, just go with it).
Allen vs. Rinne
I actually think I’m going Allen here in a surprise upset. I really thought I was going to go with Rinne, but I had a last minute change of heart. I haven’t really been following the Blues at all, so I don’t even know if he’s any good, but something about him reminds me of like, every boy I had a crush on in high school. Sorry Pekka. You’re still incredible.
Lundqvist vs. Howard
At this point any matchup with Henrik is just an excuse to look at pictures of Henrik. Henrik forever. This round we’ve got surfer-chic Henrik. LOOK AT HIS TAN AND BEACHY HAIR AND NECKLACE. *Swoon*
Allen vs. Pavelec
This is tough, too, because you’ve got my high school crush up against a guy who’s kind of model-y and smoldering. And I think I have to go the model-y and smoldering route, so we have at least the illusion of a fight for the Cup. Henrik is impossible competition.
STANLEY CUP FINALS
Pavelec vs. Lundqvist
Pavelec is an honorable opponent but honestly, Lundqvist in five. I mean, this was a predetermined outcome. How could it be anyone else? LOOK AT THE MAN.
So, there you have it. Is this an actual Stanley Cup preview? Well, definitely not, because RIP the Jets. But Henrik may actually, finally, lift the Cup this season (Editor’s Note: I didn’t say this, this is not a jinx, this is NOT a jinx). The Rangers are probably the team to beat in the East, BUT. This is not a blog about hockey. This is a blog about hot hockey players. Totally different.
So congrats Henrik, consider your name engraved on the Stanley Cup of My Heart, right next to Jonathan Toews. Henrik Forever and #LGR.