March Madness, Or Something

 

It’s that time of year again: the snow is (finally) melting (maybe, I’m actually not really sure what grass looks like anymore), birds are chirping, flowers are blooming, and no one will shut up about college basketball. That’s right, March Madness is upon us. I have a lot of problems with March Madness (huge lie, I have one problem with March Madness, and that’s the fact that it ends in April. Seriously, why is the championship game in April?). But, because I am a follower, and I have to be involved in everything that everyone else in the world is involved in, I filled out a bracket.

Last year, in the TwH March Madness bracket pool, I believe I said my picks were based off of the “one half of one quarter of college basketball I’ve ever watched in my life.” That remains true. I have watched no more college basketball than I had last year. The only thing I know about this year’s tournament is that Kentucky is like, really good (more on that later). I did my bracket this morning in about five minutes on ESPN.com because I wanted to enter the contests and for the off chance that it turns out to be really good, and I can gloat about it for like three months (or the rest of my life, whatever). If it is completely wrong about everything… well, it probably is, and I don’t care. So, without further adieu, the picks, and my thoughts:

First round: Way too many fucking teams. How do people watch ALL of those games? Not talking about this. I just picked which school’s sounded like they’d have good basketball teams. Actually, talking about this: Valparaiso? Where is that? Isn’t that like a city in Chile? (It definitely is, and I know that because I read this story about this awesome dog this morning) I have literally never heard of that school before in my life. Is it real? I don’t think that it’s real.

Second round: Still kind of too many teams to get any type of interest from me, but we need to talk about these divisions. UNC is DEFINITELY not in the West. Neither is Harvard, or like half these teams. San Diego is questionable for the South, same with UCLA and Eastern Washington. Et cetera, et cetera. Who decided this? Is there some type of algorithm I don’t know about because I don’t follow this sport at all, even casually? Can someone please explain this?

Sweet 16: Okay, I like this better because the amount of teams is bearable, and also we get into the catchy name rounds of the tournament. So, I went with Kentucky because apparently they’re like really good, and everyone talks about them all the time. West Virginia because, like, they need something, right? What else do they have? Notre Dame vs. Indiana because they’re both in Indiana, so there’s probably a rivalry there, and if there’s not there should be. I’m actually creating it right now if there isn’t. Oklahoma makes it over Wisconsin because sometimes I just pick from the bottom seed up for fun, and UNC because I like their colors.

Elite 8: Kentucky because obvi. Everything else I picked the higher seed, which I honestly didn’t even mean to, because that’s lame and super boring. Which, I guess, is why I unintentionally picked Louisville to upset Villanova (Also, I think I hate Villanova? I thought I was supposed to, because I went to Fordham, but after polling my fellow alumni, it appears that I manufactured this rivalry in my mind). I like Louisville, and I think they’re going to get hot at just the right time (I know literally nothing about Louisville basketball).

Final Four: NOTRE DAME UPSETS KENTUCKY! Secret time: I made this entire bracket just because I wanted to NOT put Kentucky in the championship, because — if you haven’t gathered by this point — I don’t even watch NCAA basketball, and I’m TIRED of hearing about them. I also love underdog wins. So buh-bye, Kentucky. It was fun while it lasted. Louisville beats Gonzaga because I just like Louisville apparently.

CHAMPIONSHIP: Louisville over ND by 8 points, just because. Louisville is my favorite. I didn’t even care about any of this when I started writing, but now I’m all in on Louisville. Love Louisville. I will be so disappointed if they get knocked out early. Don’t know about the score though. Is that how many points usually get scored in college basketball? Honestly, I have no idea. It looks good to me though, so I’m booking it.

Anyway, stupid Kentucky is so favored that no one is doing anything fun like giving away a billion dollars this year, so that’s also why I want them to lose. I probably won’t look at this again until after the championship game (in APRIL, guys, we have to work on a new name. It’s gotta be April Anarchy, or something. March Madness into April Anarchy. We can use both, I guess). I can’t wait to see ESPN.com tell me I got literally everything wrong. Or everything right. It could happen, and if it does, I will be buying one million lottery tickets that day.