There are only three weeks left of the NFL regular season and I am sad. The 17 NFL regular season Sundays are 17 of my 20 favorite days every year, with Thanksgiving, Selection Sunday, and the first Thursday of March Madness rounding out the set.
I love NFL football. I love gambling on NFL football. I love stuffing my face with wings and beers and watching seven early games at once. It is sad to know that those days are almost at an end, soon to be replaced by shitty bowl games, the NFL playoffs, and (oh dear god) hockey. Don’t get me wrong, I am a pretty big fan of all three of those things listed in that previous sentence. But gambling on them is awful. I’d have to put at least $300 on a side in order to be interested enough to watch the entirety of the RayCom Media Camellia Bowl, and even then I would hate it. The NFL playoffs are fun, but super hard and super scary to bet on; I always want to put too much money on them and it is never a good idea. Hockey is no fun at all.
Don’t bet on hockey.
But as I sit in fear of the upcoming gambling doldrums that will last me until next September, there is still reason to celebrate the season we are currently living through. There are still three weeks left! Fifteen picks left for me to perfectly select and make some money. Also, over the last three weeks of the season, a mini-contest exists within the SuperContest: whoever has the best record over the last three weeks of the season wins a cool $15,000, even if they’ve been garbage picking the whole season so far. We are going to take that very real prize and keep it in mind as we get on with our hypothetical business. For now, the goal is to climb out of the hole to finish the year above .500 and justify my continued writing of a gambling column.
Also, excitingly enough, my pops got called back to work a few more days in Vegas, meaning I have a channel through which to place real money bets. Although I have yet to place a real money bet this season, it is comforting to know that I have the option if inspiration strikes. Let’s get to the games. Home team gets the asterisk.
Browns* (PK) over Bengals
JOHNNY FOOTBALL. Are you really expecting me not to put some hypothetical money on the start of the next great chapter in professional football history? No way. Johnny Football is truth. Johnny Football is the future. Johnny Football…is kind of a dick and seems to have a bit of an attitude problem.
I don’t really like him. But I love that he exists. Polarizing figures are fun to have in sports, and I enjoy having that polarizing figure be a preppy white kid that has rolled up bills behind his ears in Las Vegas bathrooms. It’s just not something you see all that often.
Falcons* (+2.5) over Steelers
HOME DOGS. Also, the Falcons have to win one more game and they’re basically in the playoffs. As sad as it is, someone has to win the NFC South, and right now they might be the best that the crap division has to offer. Maybe they can go on a bit of a run as Matt Ryan rediscovers the ice in his veins and even pull off an upset in the first round of the playoffs…no that’s ludicrous, forget I sad anything…HOME DOGS YEAH.
Texans (+6.5) over Colts*
JJ WATT. Full stop.
Panthers* (-3.5) over Buccaneers
DEREK ANDERSON. I am a sucker for all quarterbacks named Derek, apparently.
Semi-related: did you know that JJ Watt has a little brother NAMED DEREK?!
He’s a fullback at Wisconsin right now, but soon will be a hero of my heart.
Eagles* (-3) over Cowboys
Please God. Don’t be cruel. Yes I am begging. I’m sorry. It’s late. I don’t know what else to do. We own the Cowboys. We own December. We own the Cowboys in December. Just let me have this.
Let me have a Happy Sunday.
Last Week: 3-2