Looking for a way to definitely guarantee that you’ll enjoy the NFL Draft tonight? You’re going to need some alcohol. Please be over 21, though.
The NFL really has us wrapped around its finger. They make puny settlements with former players (while never admitting that football is, you know, dangerous). They take away any and all instances of players having fun. They treat the cheerleaders like second class citizens. They push the date of the draft back, and are even thinking about making the draft last longer. But hey, it’s not like anyone is going to stop being an NFL fan because of THAT STUFF, right?
Truth be told, the draft itself is awful. None. Of. This. Means. Anything. Yet. Don’t kid yourself—-you have no idea how any of these players are going to pan out. So why not have some real fun tonight?
I’m going to separate the drinking game into levels.
Level 1-Take A Quick Swig
Level 2-Tilt Your Cup/Bottle Back (5 seconds minimum)
Level 3-Finish Your Drink
(Now, you don’t have to drink alcohol. It’s a weeknight, after all. But a TRUE FOOTBALL FAN would do booze. Unless you’re pregnant. Or allergic. Anyway)
-Anytime you hear the name Johnny Football
-When you see a draft pick wearing a giant/fancy watch
-Every 5 minutes if you’re at some “draft party”
-Every ten minutes if you’re watching the draft on NFL Network
-Every 20 minutes if you’re watching the draft on ESPN
-When Jon Gruden disagrees with Mel Kiper
-When anyone disagrees with Mike Mayock
-When a draftee hugs Goddell
-If the words “arm talent, motor, ball skills, effort, downhill, next level, penetrate, A gap, any body part, winner, lazy, freakish” are used
-If Goddell is booed
-When a player’s 40 time is mentioned
-If a trade happens
-Any draftee who has a gf/bf/wife/husband of a different race
-Anyone who says “I’m hearing” on television
-A non hip hop/rap song plays as a draftee walks out
-If Teddy Bridgewater is drafted in the top ten
-If a draftee wears a white suit
-If Gruden calls someone a “Gruden Grinder”
-When Chick-fil-A Bowl highlights are shown
-If you see a draftee with the “Um, I don’t wanna go there” face
-If Clowney doesn’t go first overall
-If a draftee brings his boyfriend/husband
-If you see Blake Bortles’s bald spot
-Whenever Michael Irvin starts talking
-If anyone is handing out “draft grades”
-If you’re not tipsy by 9 pm
-When the inevitable debate about Clowney’s desire happens
-If a draftee doesn’t shake Goddell’s hand
-If the Cowboys draft Manziel
-If you actually read until the end of this thing
Author’s note: I’m not responsible for your hangover should you fully participate in this game. Check out the terrific “GM For A Day” posts if you’re interested in actual football analysis.