Allow me to paint a picture for you.
I am sitting at my desk, slightly drunk on Jameson and completely plastered on life. My workspace is littered with old assignments, empty water bottles and Kit Kat wrappers, old receipts, and a pair of fingerless gloves. It is one in the morning. In 5 hours, I will have to be awake and conscious enough to navigate public transit from London to a tiny airport so I can hop on a plane to Barcelona for the weekend.
Barcelona is that place in the picture at the top of this article.
I am living a blessed life and I am very aware of it.
Unfortunately, despite that awareness I am still not mature enough to have packed yet. This is because I promised myself that I would not get ready to leave until I had written about gambling. It was the only way I knew to ensure that I got my picks out to the public before Sunday kickoff, as there is a chance that I will land in Spain and find it a land bereft of wifi.
My priorities are either severely out of order, or in just the right place.
Here is the Week 10 slate, minus the Vikings and Redskins from Thursday night. Home teams get the asterisk.
Tasty. After a week of trusting my gut and getting back to my winning ways (3-2!) I want to stick to what is working. No gimmicks. Just picks stemming from extremely simple logic.
Eagles (+1.5) over Packers*
I may be guilty of subconsciously picking the Eagles an inordinate amount of times throughout the course of this column. Maybe it’s in my blood. Regardless, my Birds are playing against Seneca Wallace this Sunday and thus I am confident. Seneca Wallace was cut by the Browns. Seneca Wallace’s most infamous play was a touchdown scramble he had in college. I am not afraid of Seneca Wallace.
Also, Nick Foles threw seven touchdown passes last week. That’s a bunch. There are very few things I do seven times a day, and none of them are as difficult as throwing a touchdown pass in the NFL. And yes, the NFL is now “the Nick Foles League” until further notice.
Raiders (+7) over Giants*
Mostly because of this Terrelle Pryor .gif:
Saints* (-6.5) over Cowboys
Every week there is one oddly specific stat that I hear in every podcast and read in every article when doing research for picks. This week, it was how the Cowboys have already broken an NFL record by allowing four quarterbacks to throw for +400 yards on them in one season, and still have quite a few games to play.
This Sunday, the Cowboys go against Drew Brees, a guy that makes a lot of money mostly because of his uncanny ability to throw for +400 yards.
Also, JIMMY GRAHAM.
Also, I hate the Cowboys.
Buccaneers* (+2.5) over Dolphins
Why would I do this? Here I was, minding my own business, writing an average to below-average entry into my archives, and all of a sudden I go and turn everything to absolute crap by picking the Buccaneers. Tyler what are you thinking?
The same thing I thought in middle school: Bullies never win.
Seahawks (-6) over Falcons*
Instead of some snappy one-liner about RUSSELL HUSTLE BUSTLE WILSON here, I am making a formal announcement. If the Seahawks fail to cover this week, I will officially lift my unofficial policy of picking them in the Hypothetical SuperContest every Sunday. I will still support
him them with all my heart, but I will not feel an overwhelming compulsion to select them for these purposes.
The compulsion will still be fairly whelming even if they don’t cover.
But they will cover. Because Matt Ryan is currently broken and RUSSELL WILSON is beautiful.
It’s now 2am and I finally am ready to get packed for my trip. Thanks to RUSSELL for reminding me to bring my sweater.
Last Week: 3-2