It had to happen.
I was not going to go the whole season without a losing week. To be honest, I eked out a 2-3 last week; I pick every game in a semi-legal picks-against-the-spread contest with some friends and went a dismal 5-11 overall. I was lucky to go 2-3.
But I will persevere. I have made it through worse than this. I sat through Transformers 3 in its entirety in theaters. I survived both the Bronx and North Philadelphia. Hell, I was dumped at an amusement park once. I have lived through pain; 2-3 won’t bring me down.
I am looking at this in the same way that I try to look at those previous struggles. I need to learn from my mistakes, bad sequels and cruel women. So what can I learn from last week’s 2-3?
First, and most importantly, I did not trust in the HUSTLE and BUSTLE of RUSSELL WILSON. My man is 3-0 on the field and 3-0 against the spread thus far this season. Ask a statistician or a professional bettor, and they would probably tell you that the lines will eventually catch up to the Seahawks, that they are covering at an unsustainable rate and that they are due to regress. They don’t have faith. They have weak souls. And they aren’t writing a weekly column trying to pick five games against a spread. So I am making an emotional stand, just like I did with that girl in the amusement park – I am committed to you RUSSELL. I will continue to call you by all of your God-given nicknames. I will continue to spell your name in CAPS LOCK. And I will pick you and your Seahawks every week in this contest until you fail to cover the spread, and probably a few more weeks after that too.
I love you RUSSELL. I’m sorry. Please don’t leave me alone by the Boardwalk Fries and the Super Duper Looper.
What other lessons can I take away from last week? Mostly things I should have already known.
- Don’t blindly trust Tom Coughlin, no matter who he is coaching against.
- For that matter, it’s probably a good idea to avoid any person who’s face could be used as a cover to 50 Shades of Red if that ever becomes a book.
- Don’t bet on bad teams, even when they are going against bad teams.
- The Vikings are a bad team this year.
- No matter how many angry Jim Harbaugh gifs you have, ten points is still a lot to cover. Especially against a kid named “Luck.”
Hopefully, by the end of this year, I will have a list of rules long enough to go perfect when I join the SuperContest for real. For now, I’m doing this hypothetically, so mistakes can be made, and I will forge on like boats against the current.
Here is the table this week, minus the reawakening of the 49ers and the resleepening of the Rams on Thursday night.
This is rough. I am in London. I’m going for my first gimmick of the year: Pub Crawl Picks.
Next time you see text on this page, I will be drunk. Wish me luck.
Okay, so it’s now 3:28 am in London. I have to be up in four hours to go to Stonehenge. Whatever. Also, I am not that that drunk anymore, as the commute from Central London took approximately two hours (including a stop for drunk pizza). Also, pizza in London is awful, just so you know.
My list of drinks so you know where I stand:
- Jameson double
- Two shots of Sambuca (yuck but it came free with the pub crawl)
- Stella bottle
- Jameson double and ginger beer, with another free shot of Sambuca (even grosser)
- Jameson double
My Sambuca wasn’t cool and on fire like it is in the picture. Just saying.
But again, I haven’t been drinking for close to three hours now, so this is closer to a “Alcohol and 3:30 am induced coma” set of picks as opposed to the original bit which was “Pub Crawl Picks.” Just bear with me.
ANYWAY PICKS TO MAKE.
Grr. There were three games that those CBS guys were unanimous on again. But I am too tired and bored to go through the process of copying and pasting and explaining why they are dummies again. Whatever. I will keep track of them and look into it next week.
BUT ANYWAY STILL PICKS TO MAKE.
Colts (-7.5) over Jaguars*
Oh God. Is Drunk Tyler going to pick against a bunch of home dogs? Sober Tyler hates picking against home dogs. But this line is ridiculous right? The Colts just made the Niners look silly in San Francisco last week. Then there was a week of “Are the Niners falling apart?” jabber on SportsCenter until the Thursday night game where everyone decided that there is nothing wrong with the Niners. So the Colts are better right? This is a sucker bet isn’t it? This is a let down game or a trap game. I’ll explain those terms in some later article where I am better hydrated and not as sleepy. Still though. The Colts should cover this.
Wait. The Jaguars are giving away free beer to get people to go to games now? Shouldn’t that encourage Drunk Tyler to pick them? No. Go with your gut. This line is absurd. The kid’s name is Luck for Yeezus’ sake.
Titans* (-3.5) over Jets
Drunk Tyler and Sober Tyler both hate the Jets. And come on, that throw from Jake Locker to win the game last week was dope. Maybe Jake Locker is dope. Wouldn’t that be dope?
Eagles (+10.5) over Broncos*
FLY EAGLES FLY, ON THE ROAD TO COVERING. FIGHT EAGLES FIGHT, BACKDOOR TOUCHDOWN ONE, TWO, THREE. YOU’RE ON THE ROAD AND THAT IS FINE, CAUSE SAMBUCA’S ON MY MIND. FLY EAGLES FLY, ON THE ROAD TO COVERING.
E-A-G-L-E-S please cover.
Chargers* (+2.5) over Cowboys
There we go Drunk Tyler. I like the way you pick home dogs. Keep it up. The Chargers are better anyways. And I don’t like the Cowboys. My dad always called them the Dallas Cowgirls and that always made me laugh. WHY DO I KEEP BRINGING PHILIP RIVERS INTO THIS?
Seahawks (-2.5) over Texans*
Drunk Tyler what did I just say about betting against home dogs? … BUT DID YOU EVEN READ THE BEGINNING OF THE ARTICLE? I believe in the HUSTLE. I believe in the BUSTLE. I believe in RUSSELL WILSON.
Okay. Sleepytime. Part of me is hoping that I don’t go 5-0 because if I do I’m going to be tempted to drink more Sambuca and eat more crap London pizza because I am superstitious and would totally believe that it was that ridiculous combination of awfulness that drove me to perfection.
But for real now Sleepytime.
Last Week: 2-3