#LOCHTENATION FOREVER: Top 10 Moments From E!’s ‘What Would Ryan Lochte Do?’

Last week, E! cruelly ripped out America’s collective heart by cancelling the brilliant gem of a TV show What Would Ryan Lochte Do? No longer will we get to watch our favorite lovable, swimming goof (not, not you Michael Phelps) search for his one true love by bringing a bunch of girls to the same sushi restaurant for approximately twenty-two minutes a week. Our Sundays will be a little bit darker from now on, but 2016 isn’t that far away. In the meantime, here’s the top ten moments from WWRLD for you to revisit until then (feel free to share with your Lochterage):

10. RYAN’S FAMILY GOES ROLLER SKATING

Construction derby. Destruction derby. That is all.

 

9. RYAN CRIES OVER MAKING HIS FAMILY PROUD

If this doesn’t make you “aww!” I don’t want to know you! Come here, Ryan, let me hug you! We’re all proud of you too! Who doesn’t love a family man?

 

8. RYAN ALMOST DIES GETTING HIS ABS PLASTERED FOR A BAR

So the backstory here is that the manager of a bar Ryan and his friends frequent wanted to immortalize him somehow (and probably drum up business by being “Ryan Lochte’s favorite spot”) so Ryan’s friends came up with the idea to have a plaster cast of the famous Lochte Abs made to hang on the wall. Nontraditional, yes, but also fitting. I mean. Look at them. Conveniently, the one spreading lotion all over Ryan’s abs (shockingly this is not a porno and just a scene in a reality show about an Olympic swimmer) pre-plaster is a cute girl  and Ryan gets to use one of his favorite phrases: “feels pretty good right now to be Ryan Lochte.”

 

7. RYAN GETS FITTED FOR A SUIT

To be honest, this could have been all twenty-two minutes of all eight episodes and I would have watched every single one.

 

6. RYAN GIVES A REALLY SWEET SPEECH AT A CHARITY EVENT FOR DUCHENNE MUSCULAR DYSTROPHY

This is actually a really sweet moment in the show and I think Ryan deserves some actual credit for the work he does and how great he is with these kids.

 

5. RYAN TRIES TO FLIRT WITH KIND OF ANNOYING POLITICAL DC GIRLS

Okay, for a minute, let’s pretend that this wasn’t totally set up for the show. I mean, who leads with “how do feel about Obamacare?” when you’re talking to Ryan Lochte (or anyone you just met a minute ago for that matter)? Ryan sits through this fast-moving political conversation with a look of confusion (and it’s a good thing his “confused” face is so damn cute, because he sure wears it a lot) until someone brings up the Pope (isn’t the cardinal rule of first meetings don’t talk about religion or politics?!) and Ryan makes an actual funny joke about “Ex Benedict”… okay, yeah, it was probably written for him, but he just looks so pleased with himself, like a puppy who just brought you his tennis ball and wants his ears scratched in return. I’m proud of you, Ryan. You did good! Come here, I’ll pet you (did this just get weirdly sexual?).

 

4. RYAN DOESN’T KNOW THE DEFINITION OF “DOUCHEBAG”

It’s probably best that he doesn’t know, since most of the Internet insists he is one. Their loss.

 

3. RYAN HAS A DANCING BANANA IN HIS HEAD

Bless his soul. This explains many, many of the moments in this show and in the many interviews Ryan has done in the past year.

 

2. RYAN GOES ON A REALLY AWKWARD DATE WITH CARMEN ELECTRA

“Can I give you a big hug?” a.k.a. “Can I feel your world-famous breasts against me?” I mean, like, a lot of dudes would do the same right? Ryan mostly just stares in awe and then brings up What Women Want (again), so you could say it went well.

 

1. RYAN BRINGS ALL OF HIS DATES TO THE SAME SUSHI RESTAURANT

VIDEO HERE: The Frisky

Perhaps the most talked-about moment of the show and yet no one has made this clip embed-able, so I feel very betrayed. Honestly, I feel like this may be the only restaurant in Gainesville that Ryan knows how to get to. But, like, people are really into sushi, so it works.

 

Ryan didn’t find love on WWRLD. But he didn’t give up. And he won’t give up just because his search will no longer be televised. So good luck, you adorable, dumb, lovable, puppy-like goof. And if you see this, call me.

JEAH!