I’m hungover. Granted, if you’ve been following along this season as I post picks just before kickoff every Sunday, you’ve probably assumed I was hungover most of these Sundays. You would not be incorrect, but usually that has much more to do with my tendency to procrastinate than my tendency to consume alcohol on Saturday nights.
So who is hungover with me? What football teams need a couple advil and a Gatorade to start Week 11? Who woke up after last week bleary-eyed wondering what happened and oh man did I really just lose to the Texans?
Let’s take a look at this week’s slate and find out who’s in need of a cold shower. Home team gets the asterisk.
Packers (+1) over Vikings*
The Packers were wasted last week. That’s the only thing that could possibly explain a home loss to the Lions. Now they’re up against the Vikings, who only have one loss since their Week 1 fluke against the Niners on the always hilarious Chris Berman-Trent Dilfer Monday night game. Last week I bet the Packers because it was impossible to imagine them losing three straight. Now I’m picking them because it’s impossible to imagine them losing four. I am a sucker.
Redskins (+7) over Panthers*
This is the game that proves I might actually still be drunk and not actually hungover yet. I’ve picked against the Panthers for like four straight weeks, citing the fact that there’s no way they go undefeated; they have to falter soon. The Panthers have been drinking far too long without being hit with a headache. The Redskins could be that headache. And if they aren’t, I’ll find another way to pick against the Panthers next week.
This is my hair of the dog.
Also, just a sidenote: I am all about Cam Newton. People need to chill with being an asshole to that dude. He’s good at football. But I am also all about math and logic, and due to those, I’m gonna keep betting against Carolina.
Patriots* (-7) over Bills
Rex Ryan is always a little tipsy. When he plays New England, I imagine he switches to the heavy stuff.
Rams (+2) over Ravens*
Rams need a win in a big way. At 4-5 with the Bengals and Cardinals on the horizon, they can’t drop to the Ravens if they’re going to be a playoff team. I think they are a playoff team, but I’m also sorta drunk at 11am so who am I to say anything at this point.
Bears* (-1) over Broncos
Last week the Broncos rolled over as they woke up and realized they had gone home with Brock Osweiler. His Instagram account isn’t even verified. For Christ’s sake his Instagram ONLY HAS TWO POSTS. And the Broncos did the nasty with him. Talk about a rough night.
Chance the Gambler
I am at a bar. I asked the bartender for numbers. In addition to a confused look, this is what he gave me.
7, 11, 18, 19, 13
Cowboys (PK) over Dolphins*
Ravens* (-2) over Rams
Buccaneers (+5.5) over Eagles*
Bears* (-1) over Broncos
Jets (-2) over Texans*
There ya go. Here’s to fewer hangovers. Here’s to protein filled breakfasts. Here’s to the hair of the dog.
My Picks Last Week: 2-3 /// My Picks Overall: 25-25
Chance Picks Last Week: 2-3 /// Chance Picks Overall: 27-23