Oscar Picks by Not A Movie Buff

It’s that time again. February. Super Bowl season. Awards season. The greatest season in America because these are some of the most live-tweeted events in the country, and NOTHING brings the people together like live-tweeting. On Sunday, February 22nd, Awards Season pretty much caps off, with the 87th Academy Awards. Which will probably be as long, but hopefully not as boring, as the Grammys were this year. I’m sure we will all be rooting for Dick Poop, because this is America and we don’t let things like that die, but who else will win? I have no idea, because I have seen close to none of the nominated pictures. BUT I’m going to make my picks anyway, because (No, I don’t need a real reason, thanks).

The criteria for my predictions are:

1. Have I seen the movie? (Probably not)
2. How cool is the movie poster?
3. Do I like the actor?
4. There are no other criteria. I’m not even going to watch the trailers. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

I’m also only going to predict the big six awards, because ain’t nobody got time for “sound mixing.” (I do have time for Best Original Song being “Glory” by Common and John Legend though. That shit is my jam. I cry every time).

Without further adieu, the 2015 Oscar Winners:

Best Picture
“American Sniper”
“Birdman”
“Boyhood”
“The Grand Budapest Hotel”
“The Imitation Game”
“Selma”
“The Theory of Everything”
“Whiplash”

I feel like I have to default to giving this to Selma because it’s the only one I’ve seen. I don’t even know what half of these are about. I haven’t even heard of Whiplash. Birdman looks like a superhero movie? Boyhood could get points on effort alone since they spent 12 FUCKING YEARS making it, apparently. The Grand Budapest Hotel looks like it might be about magicians, I think. The Imitation Game is probably a psychological thriller, maybe. Whiplash apparently has the psychologist from Law & Order in it. I know American Sniper and The Theory of Everything. Anyway, I’m giving this to Selma, because I’ve seen it. Also, it has Oprah in it. Oprah is all-powerful, so it will probably win.

Actor in a Leading Role
Steve Carell, “Foxcatcher”
Bradley Cooper, “American Sniper”
Benedict Cumberbatch, “The Imitation Game”
Michael Keaton, “Birdman”
Eddie Redmayne, “The Theory of Everything”

Although Bradley Cooper is super smokin’, I’m giving this to Steve Carell based solely on the fact that he never won an Emmy for playing Michael Gary Scott, which is a National Tragedy. I never got the Benedict Cumberbatch thing, and Michael Keaton like maybe already has an Oscar, doesn’t he? In this blog post, he does. That means I’m kind of just disregarding Eddie Redmayne, which is tragic. Sorry, Eddie.

Actress in a Leading Role
Marion Cotillard, “Two Days, One Night”
Felicity Jones, “The Theory of Everything”
Julianne Moore, “Still Alice”
Rosamund Pike, “Gone Girl”
Reese Witherspoon, “Wild”

Again defaulting to Rosamund because I actually saw Gone Girl (and as a consequence thought everyone around me was a sociopath trying to kill me and/or frame me for murder for three weeks). Marion Cotillard is a close second because even though I don’t know much about her, can’t recall her face without Googling her and also every time think she’s a blonde despite the fact that she’s not, she has a really classy and exotic name. I like Julianne Moore, but her Boston accent in 30 Rock was so horrible, and I hear it whenever she speaks.

Actor in a Supporting Role
Robert Duvall, “The Judge”
Ethan Hawke, “Boyhood”
Edward Norton, “Birdman”
Mark Ruffalo, “Foxcatcher”
J.K. Simmons, “Whiplash”

This was a tough one, because I wanted to give it to JK Simmons based not on Whiplash but because I have watched countless hours of Law & Order, and he’s really great as the psychologist whose name I can never remember. But I went with Ethan Hawke because Ethan Hawke hasn’t been relevant since like 2002 so he should get a pat on the back for his comeback. Has he been relevant? He hasn’t, right? According to IMDB, he has like 63 movies coming out this year, but I don’t remember hearing his name since 2002. So he’s been irrelevant to me. But maybe he’s been relevant to other people? Good thing this blog is about me, and not other people Ethan Hawke has been relevant to. Well, technically it’s about the Oscars, but it’s also about me.

Actress in a Supporting Role
Patricia Arquette, “Boyhood”
Laura Dern, “Wild”
Emma Stone, “Birdman”
Keira Knightley, “The Imitation Game”
Meryl Streep, “Into the Woods”

This is Meryl. In any category that has Meryl involved, you default to Meryl. Because she’s Meryl. Unless Jennifer Lawrence is also in the category, in which case you have to flip a coin between the two. Because JLaw beat Meryl that one time. Probably Meryl has enough awards, but who is even true competition for her? No one in this category, really.

Directing
Alejandro González Iñárritu, “Birdman”
Richard Linklater, “Boyhood”
Bennett Miller, “Foxcatcher”
Wes Anderson, “The Grand Budapest Hotel”
Morten Tyldum, “The Imitation Game”

Richard Linklater has to win this because I’ve never seen Boyhood, but I have seen both Dazed & Confused and School of Rock, and he was awarded for NEITHER of those, which is a travesty. Also, the only other person I’ve ever heard of in this category is Wes Anderson. For some reason I thought he only directed horror movies? Am I confusing him with M. Night Shamylan? Their names don’t even sound the same, so I don’t know how I could do that.

Anyway, there you have it. You can put those picks in the book. I stand by them. The show will probably be unbearably long and boring, but maybe JLaw will fall again, or maybe Kanye will be there to steal the Oscar away from Rosamund Pike and give it to Beyonce as a belated award for the seminal 2009 hit Obsessed. Anything can happen!