#DeflateGate: Let’s Talk Conspiracies

America is the best place, and if you disagree, you’re wrong. I say that not because I’m American (although I am, and damn proud) but because in America, not only do more people watch the Super Bowl than vote for their president* (*not a real statistic, but I’m 100,000% positive it’s true), but also will create a massive scandal that allows them to talk about “deflated balls” in the media for two weeks straight.

Not those balls, you goddamn fucking perverts always twisting my words. FOOTBALLS.

Yeah anyways, if you are a human with a brain, there’s no way you haven’t heard about this, so I’m not going to go into particulars (Editor’s Note: Basically, the Patriots might’ve cheated against the Colts by deflating their footballs below regulation. Here is the long and short of it). Suffice it to say, everyone is now a scientist and a football expert and knows exactly what PSI is and how to measure it. But, if you’ll all indulge me for a bit.

The logical explanation for this is that the officials don’t actually gauge every single football before the game, just kinda feeling them and saying they’re okay or no (because as literally every single player, coach, and half the Colts roster has said, this really isn’t that big a fucking deal) and Brady (just like Aaron Rodgers) tries to pull the wool over the refs’ eyes. BUT LOGIC IS NO FUN. So let’s talk conspiracy.

(Ahh Christ. A good buttfumble pic always gets me.)

The Jets did it. OBVIOUSLY the Jets did it. Like, come ON. Who hates the Patriots as much as the Jets? They are obviously still pissed about the buttfumble, which someone somewhere has obviously related to PSI. So they sabotaged the Patriots by planting an operative, and now they can say “hey, that only happened because of deflated footballs!” (I have no idea why the Jets are still defending something that happened to Mark Sanchez in this theory, but NO ONE ELSE IS MAKING SENSE SO I DON’T HAVE TO EITHER!)

This is an elaborate plan by Sarah Koenig for the second season of the podcast Serial. Serialsly. Tom Brady and the Patriots are Adnan, already prosecuted in the court of public opinion despite there being little to no evidence that they actually did anything wrong (besides being total charismatic and wonderful dreamboats!). Literally everyone else on planet earth is Jay, claiming to have seen/heard/accessed proof that the Patriots are guilty. That hack Kravitz from Indiana is totally the anonymous caller that tips the police off. D’Qwell Jackson (the poor linebacker for the Colts who somehow got dragged into the middle of this for apparently no reason) is definitely Asia McClain! The eleven allegedly deflated footballs are the Nisha Call and Roger Goodell is that shady two-faced prosecutor. IT ALL FITS. Everyone just wants to take Tom Brady and bury him in Leakin Park and I WON’T ALLOW IT. WHERE ARE THE FOOTBALLS? WERE THERE REALLY PAYPHONES AT BEST BUY?? SARAH!

This is all an elaborate plan that Jimmy Garropolo began orchestrating when he was drafted by the team. As Brady took over for Bledsoe in 2001 and triumphantly led the team to their first Super Bowl win, so Garropolo wanted to do in the 2014 season. But he had to take out the enemy first. So he carefully practiced casually letting air out of game balls all season, waiting for the right moment to casually mention it while standing near a referee, hoping that Tom would be suspended for the Super Bowl so he could slip into his role as the Third Coming of Jesus Christ (Tom obviously being the Second).

Just kidding, Jimmy would definitely never do that. I mean, LOOK at that smile!

 

Roger Goodell’s secret mission as commissioner is to make the National Football League into the biggest joke possible, by creating a larger shitstorm over a fucking indiscernable amount of air pressure in a game ball than over a player punching his wife in the face. Blah blah blah integrity of the game blah blah blah SHUT UP. This is a league filled with guys accused and convicted of DUI, assault, domestic violence, MURDER, and you want to talk about the integrity of a couple fucking pumps of air. Jesus Christ. The world has gone insane. You really want to find a reason to accuse the Patriots of lack of integrity? How about the fact that Aaron Hernandez is about to go on trial for killing multiple people (v. poor choice in hindsight)? I’ll even give you Spygate, if you want it.

This entire thing is the work of Roberto Gronkowski, because he likes jokes about balls. (Literally probably the most plausible thing on this entire list). He and his brothers probably got drunk on their party bus, and “it seemed like a good idea at the time.”

Anyways, this entire controversy has blown straight past “hey this is kind of funny and ridiculous and weird” into “JESUS FUCKING CHRIST CAN WE STOP TALKING ABOUT THIS SERIOUSLY CNN HAS A FUCKING BODY LANGUAGE EXPERT ANALYZING TOM BRADY ON RIGHT NOW” territory. I hate it, but I love it, because you know what? No one plays better football than Tom Brady with a chip on his shoulder. So haters gonna hate hate hate hate hate but Tom’s just gonna shake shake shake shake shake his way to his fourth Lombardi. But please, can we cut the #DeflateGate coverage down to maybe like, 20 out of 24 hours a day? Because, in the words of the Chosen One, the Greatest Quarterback of All Time, Tom Brady: “This isn’t ISIS. No one is dying.”

In conclusion: balls, balls, ballsy balls, inflated balls, deflated balls, cold balls, warm balls, soft balls, hard balls, old balls, new balls, balls, balls, balls.

Peace out bitches, see you when Tom has his fourth ring. Oh, and BALLS. (That was for you, Gronk. Also 69 and boobs).