Forget 50 Shades of Grey. Forget… other popular and mainstream erotic novels (?). A Gronking to Remember is here — well, was here — and it will make you forget every other book you’ve ever read in your life. This modern masterpiece was penned by acclaimed (read: several of her Kindle novels have five stars on Amazon) author Lacey Noonan, the wordsmith behind other great works such as Hot Boxed: How I Found Love on Amazon and I Don’t Care If My Best Friend’s Mom is a Sasquatch, She’s Hot and I’m Taking a Shower With Her. However, her most recent work, centered around Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski, was apparently way too steamy for Amazon, as the book (which cost a whopping $3 on e-reader) seems to have been pulled from the website. Luckily for all of you, I managed to sneak in a download before that happened.
In A Gronking…, Noonan introduces us to Connecticut housewife Leigh, who catches one glimpse of the patented Gronk spike (or the “football throw down thing,” as she so eloquently puts it) on a football Sunday and falls in love at first sight, much to the chagrin of her beleagured Jets-fan husband, with whom her marriage is already on the rocks.
Anyway, once she sees the Gronk spike, it’s all over.
There are some absolute gems in this book outside of all the dirty football metaphors. I’ve decided to share a few with you poor, unfortunate souls who will never get to download this for yourselves.
“The air seemed to leave the whole room. The temperature dropped twenty degrees and I could feel Dan turning his head towards me very slowly and dramatically as if it were on some kind of pulley system in a horror circus.”
This is the description of the room when Leigh requests that her husband, the Jets fan, switch over to the Patriots game. Honestly, sounds pretty accurate to me. However, maybe Rory, our resident Jets fan, can confirm. (Editor’s Note: Confirmed. Forget that noise.)
“A giant male ox catches the ball, tucks it under his huge biceps and turns upfield. A smattering of wee players in black costumes form a little pile of hors d’oeuvres between him and the end zone. They are no match for him of course. Because it’s Gronk.
Rob Gronkowski lowers his shoulder and batters through the defenders like a bowling ball and they fly away into the gutters of history. Gronk stomps into the end zone and jumps in the air. Victory! Victory is his!”
Actually an incredibly accurate, if odd, description of what Gronk does every weekend. The ox comparison is fair although not the first one I’d go with. Don’t really get the hors d’oeuvres line though.
“I imagine myself in football equipment. It’s late at night in the locker room. … But there I am, looking sweet in my gear. A pretty pink uniform. … I am a princess in this place and then I hear it with my princess ears. On the other side of the locker room someone is taking a shower. Annoyed that my castle should be used this late–”
Cutting it off here because I really don’t think Bill would like his locker room referred to as a princess castle. Perhaps this is the reason why the book was pulled from Amazon.
“The climax washes over my body like a powerful storm, washing over me like the most powerful Tight End the NFL has ever seen washing over a weak secondary.”
Five stars for the football/sex metaphor, but I don’t buy that a girl who has never heard of Rob Gronkowski and calls it a ‘football throw down thing’ knows what a secondary is.
“Fucking fuck I was turned on. Turned on and tuned up since 6 AM when I sat bolt upright in bed next to a snoozing Husband Dan, stretching my eight fingers and two thumbs for some serious hitchhiking up and down the Gronkachusetts Turnpike.”
I didn’t note before, but this post also serves as my official petition to rename the Mass Pike the “Gronkachusetts Turnpike.” Please sign below if you support this, and I with bring the list to the State House next week.
“‘I wish he’d split my seam,’ I mutter to myself.”
Yeah, Leigh, get in line.
“Nor would softer and more emotional scenes coax me wet: Gronk on one knee spiking a bouquet of roses, bottle of champagne and diamond ring into my butt on the Fifty Yard Line at Gillette Stadium, had little effect as well.”
Okay this is just super weird and not sexy at all.
Up until now, it’s pretty much just been Leigh obsessing over Gronk and intruding on Football Sunday with the boys, but at this point we get to the good parts of the story.
Dan The Jets Fan comes home, like, suuuuper wasted, maaaan, and Leigh pretty much sexually assaults him, and there is a kind of awesome reference to him butt-fumbling against the wall. The entire encounter so traumatizes him that he gets in the car, hammered, and immediately proceeds to smash into the neighbor’s car (make good choices, kids).
No one dies, or anything, I think, but the marriage goes through some really rough times, and Dan might have to do community service or something? I don’t know. The whole thing is really glossed over, kind of like Roger Goodell tried to gloss over the Ray Rice thing. (Also glossed over is the fact that this chick is a librarian who sews a lot and gets off watching YouTube videos of Gronk while at work.)
After a few weeks apart, they kiss and makeup, with Leigh handing out an ultimatum that would be like a dagger in any Jets fans’ heart:
“‘You have to take me to a Patriots game.’”
They, of course, go to Foxborough and have some epiphanies about their relationship, in which Leigh asks Dan “Why the hell do you watch football but hate football so much at the same time?” Anyone in America can answer that question, Leigh: HE’S A FUCKING JETS FAN.
They get distracted from the epiphanies, of course, because right at that moment Gronk scores a touchdown. The scene that follows I honestly don’t have words for. Dan proclaims his love and proceeds to execute “the most romantic and selfless gesture the world has ever seen.” He pulls Leigh onto the field with him and:
“just as Gronk launches the ball downward, we cross into the end zone, just to the right of Gronk and Dan whips me down beneath him.
Really, the timing was perfect.
The ball comes down with unholy speed, and my body goes careening underneath Gronk, my limbs flailing. I do a somersault, ass over teakettle, my legs are spread open. Just as the ball comes flying out of Gronk’s hand, and in my wild rotating movement, I am on all-fours, my legs spread open shoulder-width apart as if I’m about to take it doggy-style.
Which I do.
In front of the entire country, Gronk’s spike impacts right between my butt-cheeks.”
I’M NOT JOKING. I’LL GIVE YOU A MINUTE TO RECOVER.
Are you good? Will you ever get the image of Gronk spiking a football between someone’s butt-cheeks out of your head? Are you satisfied with the resolution? Because this is the end of the story. (Not satisfied in that way, you gross pervert). They get carted off the field, charged with like trespassing or something, and Leigh goes viral and has 2.3 million Twitter followers, because this is America in 2015, and everything we do, we do with the aim of going viral.
Although, this is purported to be only “Book One in the Rob Gronkowski Erotica Series.” So maybe we get a sequel.
In all honestly, I’ve read this ~40 page story like twice now, and I can’t figure out if Lacey Noonan is serious or not. It’s laugh-out-loud funny at some points, but I really can’t tell if she means it to be. If she does — kudos, good work. If she doesn’t, well… still good work. I mean, I paid the $3, didn’t I?
Maybe Amazon e-books are where it’s at. I have a 6 page story I wrote about meeting NSYNC in the 4th grade somewhere. Maybe I could throw that up and charge $1.50 a piece.
As for why it was pulled from Amazon — we’ll never know. Maybe Gronk wasn’t a fan? Probably not enough 69’ing for his taste.