My father was wrapping up his time working in Las Vegas, meaning that it would be the last week of him betting my picks without telling me even though I had a hunch he was doing it. I wanted to make him back some of the money he had undoubtedly lost as I continued to pick Derek Carr to cover the spread over and over again. I did a good amount of research, mixed it with a dash of nonsense, and found myself five underdogs that I felt confident could win my pops some money. Again, one of them was David Carr.
The Raiders failed to cover. My picks went 1-4, and I went into Monday morning feeling like a failure once again.
I have to stop feeling confident about my picks. In gambling, confidence is a myth. It cannot exist, because everything is chance and no one knows anything about anything, especially football. I wanted to remember this fact while making my picks during Week 8. I wanted to focus on facts and emotions and up to date injury information all while knowing that it was ultimately a crapshoot. I took to Twitter with intentions of making my usual pre-picking rounds: checking in on Adam Schefter, Stephania Bell, and a few NFL players that might give a little hint towards their team’s mindset heading into Sunday. But I got distracted by Zach Mettenberger.
Behold the glory. Behold the savior. Behold the facial hair of the Titans sixth round pick in the 2014 NFL draft. He began the season as the third quarterback on the Titans roster, but after the facial hair of Charlie Whitehurst and Jake Locker faltered, it was announced that Zach Mettenberger will start for Tennessee this Sunday.
The tweets did not stop there.
If you know me at all, you have figured out by now that there is no way we are betting against Zach Mettenberger and his mustache this week. I don’t care who they’re playing against. I’ll take Zach Mettenberg and his mustache and his Titans over anyone, even my boy RUSSELL HUSTLE BUSTLE WILSON, if it comes to it.
But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Here’s the Week 8 slate. Home team gets the asterisk.
Oh no. It’s worse than I could’ve imagined. Zach Mettenberger and his mustache are facing off against my beloved JJ Watt and the Houston Texans. Further, they aren’t even getting a field goal. But you read what I said just one paragraph ago: there is no way I’m betting against Zach Mettenberg this week.
I am a great supporter of bad facial hair, mainly because, well…
I cannot grow good facial hair. I can hardly grow bad facial hair. This is my face this morning just before shaving. It took over seven days for the hairs on my chinny-chin-chin to get this impressive. It’s super disappointing. I wish I could rock a baller stache or some dope sideburns, and have ladies look at me and my lip foliage and think to themselves, “Damn, that is a man.”
I can assure you that this has never happened.
One thing that has happened: Me and my face are in a bar, talking to a pretty girl whom I think is adorable. I go smoke a cigarette or pee or something and return to find that said pretty girl is on the lap of some goon I know with a full face of hair, basically cuddling into his neck. I feel sick and disappointed, knowing my face will not be capable of growing the necessary hair to catch the women I desire for another ten years.
So I stand proudly beside my brethren of bad facial hair. Even though we are handicapped so, we can go on to do great things! Walter White was described as having an “impotent mustache” in the treatment for the pilot episode of Breaking Bad, but after five seasons of hard work, determination, and shaving, he turned into a baller that killed Neo-Nazis.
Even though we can’t grow beards, we are capable of wondrous things. In honor of that, we are basing our Week 8 picks on the hairy wonders of the football world, those starting NFL quarterbacks whose facial hair reputations precede them. Starting, of course, with Zach Mettenberger.
Titans* (+2) over Texans
I’m sorry for embedding all of these tweets, and I understand that it could come off to the casual reader as lazy writing. I assure you that they are all here only because I could not choose which ones to leave out. They all seemed vital to your understanding of my obsession.
Also, it’s important to note that TwH obsession with Zach Mettenberger’s flavor saver is nothing new. Over two years ago, our very own James Vasiliou wrote a piece from the perspective of Zach as he faced the perils of public shaming and public shaving. Mettenberger’s mouth brow has been a powerful topic of interest for quite some time.
With that said, this is a terrifying matchup. Not only are the Titans facing off against JJ Watt, defensive juggernaut, destroyer of worlds. Zach Mettenberger and his mustache are going toe-to-toe with Ryan Fitzpatrick and his…well…
Ryan Fitzpatrick must be stopped. If he is not, he and his beard stand to take over the world, bedding all of the women, and winning all of the football games due to sheer hairy prowess. STAY STRONG ZACH. I BELIEVE IN YOU. I BELIEVE IN YOUR MUSTACHE. I BELIEVE IN YOU SAVING YOUR SOUL PATCH FOR YOUR “BEN STILLER FROM DODGEBALL” HALLOWEEN CEREMONY.
Okay. That’s over. What other starting quarterbacks in the league have less than impressive facial hair but also an uncanny ability to win football games?
Colts (-3) over Steelers*
Andrew Luck. Yes, he can grow a beard, a GROWN ASS MAN beard at that. But it is not the type that steals women in bars. Andrew Luck’s beard is that of an 8th grader who hit puberty one year ago and hasn’t seen his father in two. It’s adorable, treacherous, and large. It looks as if a machete would be necessary to tear through to the skin lying underneath.
I’m fairly certain that no one has seen Andrew Luck’s chin in at least three years.
Raiders (+6.5) over Browns
I just can’t quit you Derek Carr. You and your baby soul patch.
Redskins (+9) over Cowboys*
It would be unfair to judge Colt McCoy’s facial prowess from this picture alone, as it was taken from August 2009. But I remember seeing this picture and laughing, and I thought it all too fitting that the week our picks are celebrating the most mediocre lip brooms around the league is the same week that Colt McCoy might debut for the Redskins. Also, I hate the Cowboys and cannot stand seeing them in the top three in “Power Rankings” articles around the web. It’s mind-boggling and vomit-inducing. Almost as mind-boggling and vomit-inducing as that milk-strainer you see above.
Some other fun pics I found while searching for images of Colt McCoy:
It’s hilarious how out of focus Colt McCoy is here. It’s like the photographer was willfully making sure that the casual observer couldn’t make out his face.
Always remember: if you want to win a Heisman Trophy, it is best to be a country fan.
Bears (+5.5) over Patriots*
Jay Cutler, or Smoking Jay Cutler as he is known in certain corners of the Internet, facing off against male-model good-looking Tom Brady in Gilette Stadium. This match was made for staches. Jay Cutler with his mumblecore stubble that starts halfway up his nose and doesn’t end until halfway down his chest. Tom Brady, with his charming smile and enticingly strong chin, dashed with a spattering of hairs so perfect he is literally paid for it.
Jay, I know we’ve had our differences. I know I spent a whole weeks worth of picks last year making fun of your face. But this your moment. This is your chance to show that just because your facial hair ain’t perfect, it doesn’t mean the better looking man on the other side of the ball is a better man than you.
Take a stand for all of us guys who can’t grow some respectable scruff. Show the women of the world that they shouldn’t be so quick to nuzzle into that beard they see across the bar.
Our patch-faced fraternity has feelings too. We have love to give. We have games to win. We have spreads to cover.
And we don’t have to shave every day.
Last Week: 1-4