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Monthly Archives: September 2014

perfection

It wasn’t supposed to happen like this.

I recently adopted a new philosophical outlook based around eliminating expectations. The idea is that most of life’s unhappiness stems from unmet expectations. I become aware of a potential future reality (let’s say I’m attempting to take a girl out on a date) and my subconscious runs with it, creating detailed illusions of what the world would look like if my wildest dreams came true. Then, when my hot date flakes at the 11th hour, I am filled with disappointment, anger, and self-doubt. Read More

Welcome to TV Party, a weekly segment where we preview ten of the week’s most exciting match-ups in college football so you know when to grab some beer and ignore the outside world.

This week: Uncle Verne (and, ugh, Gary) is back for the first SEC on CBS coverage of the year. His presence ensures an tantalizing match in Columbia yet his stay will be brief. The rest of the evening will be a fool hearty attempt to entertain your neighbors who would much rather be in the comfort of their home and watching their brand, new Roku rather than sit through the slaughter of Tennessee at Oklahoma.

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Ray Rice

Last night, Chris Berman and Trent Dilfer perfectly encapsulated what is wrong with the NFL, its fans, and how the two handle domestic violence. To be clear, it’s not what the pair said, because the two announcers completely whitewashed the incident in which Ray Rice brutally assaulted his then fiancé (now wife) and dragged her unconscious body from an elevator, showing no concern or remorse for his actions.

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Courtesy of Detroit Jock City

Cleaning Up the Mess is here to make sense of what just happened at your weekend-long television party. Who put Goldfish in the blender? And why is the thermostat on 42?

This week: The Pac 12 brought a party bus full of people and started covering the house in neon and HBK Gang records. The SEC brought some appetizers then left, but not without “blessing our hearts”. Then, the Big Ten decided it would be a good idea to put a lamp shade over it’s head – again. Maybe we should give think before we give the Big Ten a call next time. 

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Welcome to TV Party, a weekly segment where we preview ten of the week’s most exciting match-ups in college football so you know when to grab some beer and ignore the outside world. 

This week’s party is high risk, high reward. It’s like going to a club recommended by Weekend Update’s city correspondent Stefan. You will either having one of the best times of your life, or it could be the weirdest, most random and disastrous experience you have ever had. 

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Neymar23

A magnificently threaded through-ball eludes four nearby defenders to find, all alone in the opposing box, the world’s best soccer player, who dances with his mistress for a moment long enough to attract the attention of an entire defense, along with the world. A shot on goal ricochets under the goalkeeper, whose effort provided only the briefest moment of respite preceding the inevitable. A trailing teammate, a regular on the B squad, tracks the ball and slots it into the back of an empty net, winning the game for his dominant side at an abnormally late time.

This was the scene in Sunday’s match between FC Barcelona and Villarreal. For the Catalans, these moments are a dime a dozen. With Lionel Messi, all is possible except for failure, which is a distinct and unacceptable impossibility. My adulation for him, at this point, goes without saying. In this case, the focus belongs to the other two players involved in the movement, Brazil’s fallen hero Neymar, the catalyst, and the Barça B wunderkind Sandro Ramírez, who scored the goal, his first ever for the senior side and in his first La Liga appearance. At just 22 and nineteen years of age, respectively, these two (literally, at times) have the world at their feet, leaving the rest of us to admire immortality and ponder its antithesis.

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